From there to here

I never read my old blogs. I did once and my eyes rolled so far back into my head that I became a bit nauseated and promised myself not to torture myself again by reading my old feelings and my old situations.

I've spent the past year working on trying to accept the changes life has thrown at me, and my heart still fights them. I wish I could say grief was a journey with an end, but it's not... and it's crushing to admit that to myself.

I deleted facebook, which has been a strange feeling. I feel a very odd sense of relief, to have my private life more private... but I do miss getting to see what everyone is up to and baby photos... and all the stuff that facebook was once good for...

 I do think often of signing in and checking on all the people I haven't been able to visit with since then... but then when I do I see the bullying and judgement and cruelness and I can't stay on there. I am not the type of person to remain silent when I see injustice, and because of that facebook is not the place for me.

Lets see... Updates... Grief?

Grief comes in like waves, people say. Sometimes its easier and sometimes its harder. For me, I find it quite a bit different than that. Grief is always there. It is always there, waiting. But my thoughts turn from it now, and I can spend most of my time distracting myself from the physical pain that I feel when my thoughts turn to... to the reality of the difficult feelings I can't seem to avoid entirely.

But then it happens... A song on the radio, a photo... an age of a child I meet. working on the house projects left behind in the wake.... thinking of how I will never have another real reason to visit Seattle... Its hard to swallow when my mind wanders to the rawness. It's still raw, like a scab that you peel off each time you revisit the truths you are avoiding with your thoughts.

However, I've made myself plenty of distractions.

As of now I have 12 animals at home. 2 dogs, 2 cats, 4 chickens, 3 bunnies, and one horse. Mini horse. Well, a pony really, as he is just above the mini horse cut off at 39".

So essentially, a very small farm.

And it helps. And sometimes it hurts because who really needs this many animals and this much busy work? Well, apparently I do. Or I think I do. Or I'm just trying to avoid feeling anything other than busy. But either way... here I am.

Here I am trying.

And what else can you do?

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