4.30.2014

Loved.

Last night I was reminded how delicately precious our children's lives are. To those of us who have seen the breath escape our child's lungs and their hearts cease to beat- we know how quickly it all can be over.

I have faith that tomorrow my son and daughter will wake up healthy and alive and whole, but I also know that if they didn't I would be in a world that felt unsurvivable and feel pain beyond myself.

Last night I rocked my son as his temperature reached a dellusional level. I kissed his head and I thought 'If this all ended tonight, would I be proud of the Mom I was to you?'. I then apologized for not always being patient and not recently being slow to anger. I apologized for times where I didn't have a hold of my temper and wasn't the Mom I wanted to be. And then I thanked him for being MY son. I thanked him for loving me despite myself.

I didn't think it was a goodbye, but I thought... If it had been, I would want to have left nothing unsaid that I should have said.

Judah then told me that he wanted doors on his closet in blue.

Because the things he sees are not the same as what I see. He sees me as Mom. Not perfect, but I'm Mom. He doesn't care that I am not proud of all the parenting choices I've made. He doesn't care about that. He cares that he is loved. And he is.

My son knows he's loved. He knows, and believes, and that's why he feels free to be naughty. Because he knows that tomorrow I will love him still and forgive him and be his friend no matter the things he shouldn't have done that he chose to do.

He is learning love. I'm watching him start to understand why he needs to be gentle with those around him and why he needs to try to share with others.

I am so grateful to be a Mom.

God has given me a multitude of blessings because I can see what I wouldn't have seen. I can accept my mistakes and flaws with the knowledge that I have loved my children the best I can.

I know that I will strive to be a good mother and friend, but I also know that when I fail it doesn't make me a failure.

God's grace is sufficient. I am more than a conqueror. I am a Mom.

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