4.30.2014

Loved.

Last night I was reminded how delicately precious our children's lives are. To those of us who have seen the breath escape our child's lungs and their hearts cease to beat- we know how quickly it all can be over.

I have faith that tomorrow my son and daughter will wake up healthy and alive and whole, but I also know that if they didn't I would be in a world that felt unsurvivable and feel pain beyond myself.

Last night I rocked my son as his temperature reached a dellusional level. I kissed his head and I thought 'If this all ended tonight, would I be proud of the Mom I was to you?'. I then apologized for not always being patient and not recently being slow to anger. I apologized for times where I didn't have a hold of my temper and wasn't the Mom I wanted to be. And then I thanked him for being MY son. I thanked him for loving me despite myself.

I didn't think it was a goodbye, but I thought... If it had been, I would want to have left nothing unsaid that I should have said.

Judah then told me that he wanted doors on his closet in blue.

Because the things he sees are not the same as what I see. He sees me as Mom. Not perfect, but I'm Mom. He doesn't care that I am not proud of all the parenting choices I've made. He doesn't care about that. He cares that he is loved. And he is.

My son knows he's loved. He knows, and believes, and that's why he feels free to be naughty. Because he knows that tomorrow I will love him still and forgive him and be his friend no matter the things he shouldn't have done that he chose to do.

He is learning love. I'm watching him start to understand why he needs to be gentle with those around him and why he needs to try to share with others.

I am so grateful to be a Mom.

God has given me a multitude of blessings because I can see what I wouldn't have seen. I can accept my mistakes and flaws with the knowledge that I have loved my children the best I can.

I know that I will strive to be a good mother and friend, but I also know that when I fail it doesn't make me a failure.

God's grace is sufficient. I am more than a conqueror. I am a Mom.

4.13.2014

Gabe, you had the mushiest little chub body on the planet. I loved it. I loved your rolls and I loved your adorable short legs and arms. I loved your cheeks and I loved your eyes and insane hair.

Maybe I loved them so much that Addie got most of those features. She has the same chubby legs and butt. Her feet are just like yours but bigger now. It's a little strange how much she reminds us of you at times, though uniquely herself, of course.

I've been missing the feeling of you in my arms for two years.

I wish I never put you down.

I adore you. 

4.11.2014

Now I can look back. I look back and I see how my thought patterns were. I was solidly unaware that giving up was an option for most of it.
You can't see, as a young person, what you've never seen before.
And now I've seen it.
I've seen baby after baby die.
I've fallen in love and I've watched breath leave that person.
I've watched children and infants who seem to be experiencing great suffering, holding onto great hope.
I can't call it right or call it wrong, and then I barely considered not fighting.
Now, if it happened now. I would not.
I would hope, I would pray, but I would not put my son through all that for the one percent.
Because now, older, I know that the precious moments I would go through for even a few minutes of painfree love would have been worth it.
To watch him go as peacefully as possible.

There was a point where there were so many holes in my son I was horrified.
I felt like I had no choice but to continue and try and hope and pray that he would be whole and healed.
But you know, when God gives you a child with a sickness so deep, there is another option.

For me, I would not be able to put my son through so much again.
Even if it meant only a few minutes.
Or days.
Or a week.
Or a year.

And I know it would have been impossible.
So maybe, maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe I would have done all the same things even if I were older and knew.
But honestly, who am I to know what I would do if I did it over.

Because all I knew to do was to have faith and to hope and to fight for my little boy.

And I did get some incredible grins that I will never forget.

4.01.2014

Unplugging from Electronics

So four weeks ago, my house was clean. Right now I'd give it about a 5 on a scale of 10. Not scary, but definitely needs improvement. The difference? I looked at facebook for 10 minutes 2x-3x a day for a long while. I missed out on a ton, I felt like my facebook friends thought I abandoned them... but I was still slightly proud of my hard work.

Over the past five days, or maybe month, I've been working REALLY hard on unplugging Judah.

Here comes my terrible Mom confession: Please don't judge harshly if you can help it:

Judah went to sleep watching movies almost (3/4) every night since Gabe died.

Call it bad parenting, but it was just what worked for our exhausted souls at the time. I started to find my horror in the fact recently, and I decided it was time to unplug Judah. The past four days, Judah went to sleep after reading 3 (Just ONE MORE, Mommy, just ONE more) books.

We have read often in our house as it is, but we implemented a schedule. Almost every day we do bath time, jammies, (maybe a movie as a family if it's still early) and then we read and say goodnight. THANK GOD for Frederick, Judah's stuffed animal sidekick, because Frederick can convince Judah of bedtime on the nights when I can't, usually.

His attitude improved already. He is doing imaginative play a lot more without asking to watch a movie, and he's accepting the 'not right now' answer for television.

Maybe it's because I got tired of hearing the Magic School Bus every night, but I am so so thankful for the peace it's seeming to lay out.

Unplugging terrified me, because with Addie's nursing schedule still being rather demanding, I wasn't sure how it would go keeping him in bed.

It turns out, Judah is loving the schedule implement. Even if we are only organized for the night.

He still is missing his Daddy who is working, doing school and homework, and working on our new house every single moment he has off... but you know, Daddy reads books too some nights. Or gives a massage, which Judah loves too.

I'm so proud of my family.

And Adelaide and Judah had their first wagon ride yesterday down the road and back, and Addie laughed the whole time! Kids! lol
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