Step One. Putting Grief into a physical action.

This year I am going to work on some healing projects.

I've found that our society has it's own ideas on how to deal with grief, as do many others. Ours is supposed to be a one week ritual, where at the end of the week you bury your loved one and with that you lay to rest the loss. You move on. Speak less of them and try to forget, publicly, how much it will always be a part of you.

I'm not that kind of a griever, I've found. In fact, sometimes I think I might secretly be part of the type of society that wails for a month, wears black for a year and just hurts out loud.

I'm sorry for those who are uncomfortable around it, and I have never intended to try to be a sob story... But If I don't write or think out loud it builds up, and release is a must for someone like me. Thank God for blogs, right?


Step One for me. I'm writing my own story, and starting today I'm finding new ways to accept, befriend and allow my grief to settle in the world around me.

I think this will allow me to move forward in a way. But perhaps it will just edify my soul. My soul needs to do some sort of action list.

Today, I'm going to light a candle. I'm going to talk to God and I'm going to talk to Gabe. I've never done this before, talking to Gabe, because I've always felt... How can a baby, dead or alive, care to hear the boring things that I have to say? But Addie has shown me that talking to a baby is much more important than you might think. They listen, they learn and they hear.

So today I'm lighting a candle for Gabe.

Would you join me?


The Pursuit in Marriage

I've been reading the Circle Series lately. It's a Christian book series. I'm having a hard time getting through it because there isn't a ton of time for what I want to do as a Mom, but when Addie is nursing and Judah is resting I try to read as fast as possible while still absorbing.

In this book, they touch on a subject that our world tends to try to ignore. The Great Romance, it's called.

Basically they talk about the pursuit of your spouse, although they tend to lean on the man to lead the Romance in the book and not really expect much of the spouse, they hit me hard when I realized how truly complicated love is, but actually how simple it is.

Marriage is hard! It really is! I don't know if anyone told you but sometimes you are going to have to just put your head down and decide to love your spouse where they are at, even if it's not pretty.

After losing a child, your marriage is a little bit more complicated. And then following that, your spouse losing their Mother just one year later... It's even more complicated. You are both on a journey of grief that will at times leave you unrecognizable by any standards you used to know. Add in two small children, one who is three going on 15, and a full time job, full time college...

You are both exhausted, drained, and trying to grasp at anything peaceful and joyful you can. It becomes a fight to find those moments at times... and you find yourself trying to remember... What is romance? How does it fit into all this?

My heart never feels more romanced than when my husband tells me how beautiful I am. Not just the casual 'You look great', but the stop, look into each others eyes and remind each other that you are a beautiful creature. You stop my heart. You give me joy.

And that, once a day, changes me. I know it does because I feel it and I SEE it. My face changes. I look in the mirror and I see myself more beautiful than I did last week, after just a week of this silly process.

And then on the weeks where we get too busy and we forget to stop and remind each other how beautiful we are and how precious we are to one another, I quickly see the retribution. I feel more tired, I get less done, I feel more motivated, and my reflection shows it all. I can't see the beauty in myself.

Women need their spouses to remind them that they are unique, special, beautiful, wanted, loved, needed and above all, accepted.

Men need these things also, but it's less altering for them, I've found, if a day goes by without the same affections. Men need physical touch, more than affirming statements. They need to feel drawn in and loved.

So in reading this, I hope this inspires you a little to pursue your spouse.

Because sometimes I'm only writing to tell myself what to do, but I feel like this can be helpful to more than just myself today. Pursue your spouse.

Tell her she is beautiful, but not just in passing. Stop, hold her, look closely at her and remind her who she is. Do this every day for a week and watch her mood. I promise it will improve.

Lets do this for our spouses and loved ones.

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