The only thing I am truly proud of as a Mom.

It is absolutely impossible to say if I would choose the same things for Gabe now as we did then. Would we want to put another little one through all that? Certainly not the last 5 months of his life... But let me say at least this.

I am proud.

I am proud of my husbands choices and my own choices in our last pregnancy. We didn't know anything about what we were thrown into in those moments.

I'd never had to consider risking my child's life to test for chromosomal abnormalities. I'd never even had to think about chromosomal abnormalities. I'd never heard of babies dying right after birth, wouldn't they die before they were born if it was that bad? No. They don't always.

But 2 years ago, Nick and I had to face choices that we never knew we would have to face. As parents, it was terrifying. We knew one thing.

Our child's life was precious, no matter what they had. We would fight for the moments we had with them, and we would make the best choices we could without bias. Including high risk clinic biases (which trust me, are pretty hard to get away from).

There is nothing more heartbreaking than finding out your baby is ill before they are even born. Being faced with the choices they give you in those moments is like being taken from a small town in Idaho and thrown into downtown New York City and being told to choose between working your way up the corporate ladder starting out as a secretary or packing your bags and going home.

There is nothing glamorous about having a child be born with a severe and complex issue of any kind. It's not fun.

You focus all your energy on those moments where you can love them the best you can and the best God can help you to.

Their whole life is choices. From the second they are born you have to decide between option 1 or 2 and option 2 is letting them die and option one is putting them through the thick of it in the hopes that they want to fight and they want to live.

No one can tell you what is right or what is wrong. Not even I can.

But I can tell you this much.

Love them for as long as you can.

Let nature take it's course. (What I mean by this, is that if they will live, they will live, and if they will die, they will die. Fast forwarding it and putting the end of their life in your hands will only leave you with questions that you can never answer for the rest of your life.)

Meet them, greet them, and choose what you and your spouse and your God think is best for them. Do not choose because someone told you what is right or wrong. Search your heart.

This is YOUR child. They would grow up listening to you and you would help form their opinions and beliefs. What would they want for their lives?

Crying is not a weakness, and saying goodbye will hurt. It will more than hurt. It will leave a void where they were born into your heart.

Let them be born into your heart, and the rest of the choices will follow that.

Whether they are here yet, or they are still growing... They were born the second you knew you were expecting and you began imagining their spot in your world.

Those of us with good imaginations are a little better at this, I've found. But imagine the perfect moment.

If they are so ill that they may not survive one surgery, what would you rather have with them?

One peaceful moment with no tubes, no wires, no surgeries and just love?

Or a surgery that might leave you without that moment?

That, my friends, is the most difficult first decision I have ever made as a parent.

But I am still proud. I'm proud I chose love and life and hope. :)

And I'm proud of my son, most of all, that he chose us. He put his hope in us.

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