The leftover fears and ocean of memories.

I knew, 16 months ago, that soon my son would be born and I would probably not have much time with him. I didn't know if he would live or die.

Then he was born, in three pushes, at 2:20 in the morning. I saw him and he was mine! He was so sweet, so small, so uniquely my son! But immediately, he had to be taken away and I couldn't see him until they had looked him over and done tests and scans and put an IV in his belly button.

The emotions of having a newborn baby are so intense, the love so intense. I was exhausted, but I couldn't sleep. I was waiting to see him, to see him one more time.

Soon, I saw him again, and even sooner, he was taken to another hospital and Nick went with him and I was left alone.

I was in my room, alone, with facebook and a blog and introducing the boy to this internet world... my pride and joy! But I could hear all the other babies with their families. Babies crying and being taken in and out to nurse and cuddle.. Something I hadn't really gotten to experience with either of my kiddos.

The pain of those moments fed by the fears of what might not happen after them... I was lucky to get out of that hospital quickly and over to see my little boy for a moment before he was intubated.

They don't disappear, those feelings of fear and helplessness and intense emotions, and they breed more fears and more feelings of being out of control. I have no control over what happens this time! I am going to do this again, have a baby, and I don't know what will happen! I've never had 'normal' yet, will this be it?

Will I get to have the baby and then hold them and not give them back? Will I get to nurse them and bond with them and stare at them, those moments I have longed for so desperately? Those first moments, that I will never, for one second take for granted.

There is so much beauty in this journey we are on again, but so many fears are hard to push aside. So I have to keep reminding myself beyond my own self doubts...

"You are capable of handling anything that happens... But I think that God knows the desires of your heart more than you can imagine... and I think he is whispering a gentle and life changing experience... the one you haven't gotten."

I know God loves me!

I know he loves my daughter!

(How strange to say such a thing!)

So I am trusting in him to give me these desires of my heart and to protect me from these fears!

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