9.22.2012

Sleeping Beauty

The days have been mellow, I haven't spent a lot of time in tears.. But I wish I did sometimes. Sometimes it's worse to not cry.

Today I read a post about someone going home, and my mind still goes to jealousy, the jealousy I felt every time someone went home and you didn't. But now, after that 'mild' jealousy happens- a sinking feeling is there. You aren't coming home to our house.

My days of having my three boys in a room together came and went.. and then you were sleeping beauty.

You laid in that hospital bed like it was your glass case. Not breathing on your own, not eating, not moving... Not getting better and not getting worse for five months.

If I could have kissed you and made it better... But I did kiss you.

You were so beautiful and so perfect the day you went in for surgery. Not like the last surgery where you were so sick and intubated... I was so certain we would have you back, grinning and spinning in circles.

I was so sure you would be in my arms right now.

I hate how final it feels, even though I believe you are in heaven and I will see you again...

Right now, the hope here is gone. There is no hope that I will take you home. There is no hope that you will wake up from your glass case and go on with us.

So now my husband is facing the reality of losing his Mom, and I feel like I can't handle it. How strange, that I think that I can't handle something that isn't really my burden to handle.

Life is so unfair sometimes.

I want miracles to happen, but the day we let you go, I waited for the miracle, the whole day.

And I will never stop waiting for it.
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