It feels like your heart went through a meat grinder. Beating, but every beat reminding you of something sharp and real, raw and painful. But it doesn't feel like that all the time, so that's the good news. Right now, it feels like that.

Not just because of the hole left by Gabe, but because of what was ignored the past year and the things that became small potatoes.

Medically complex lifestyles are lifestyles spent where EVERYTHING becomes small potatoes. Jobs, relationships, life.

I felt that anytime I had a conversation in the past year, a real conversation... it was a luxury. Having emails from a friend, was a luxury.

So you can imagine from there the remains of other things were not so unscathed in the process.

I love antiques and victorian type fancy. I love cracked glass creating new objects (Mosaic art)....

So maybe, that's what we are doing now.

Maybe, all the pieces that have been broken- cracked, chewed up and spit out can turn into a beautiful masterpiece that I can put in a window in the house in the end.

But right now, the glass is all over the floor.

The remains must be gone through from here- picking them up might be the hard part... They are sharp, they are bitter and they are very very real.

But I am hoping that since I can't knit, I can glue them onto a window... then cement them together into something new.... beautiful.

Glass is all over the floor right now.

Now lets make something of it.

Because walking all over it in bare-feet and ignoring it would be the best way to bleed it all out- and it will bleed out if we let it.

But I want to make mosaics.


Jenn W. said...

I love your writing Julia, it's beautiful. You, Nick, Judah and Boston (Beans) will make some of the best looking Mosaics :) --- Take your time though, don't rush. Love you!

Shannon said...

You write more beautifully then most of the books I have ever read. I hope you can pick up the pieces and make something beautiful.

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