We had Gabe's memorial today.

I think for the most part, it went well. I don't think I was prepared to see his casket, or how tiny it was... or feel the feelings I felt.

But I knew it would be bad when I woke up this morning with the same feelings that I had the day we knew we were letting him go.

A hole in my stomach and my heart that feels like a spinning blade are the best words I can use.

It was so nice to have people there, supporting us and praying for us and loving us... and our son.

I know that God will continue to use Gabe's life for good things, as he always has...

But it was difficult.

I read three of my blogs and was afraid I wouldn't have the courage to do so...

But what sister Pat said to me last year was in my head the whole time.

"God has not given me a spirit of timidness."

So I tried my best to stand up and share our hearts for Gabe.

It doesn't change the hole, but I do know that I did what I wanted to do...

Shared what a huge impact he had on us.

The whole time, I was touching my heart... feeling the beat. Not to feel mine...

But because that memory, it's so real, so there. Feeling his heart beat on my fingertips. I will always have that memory. Its engraved in me.

I never knew it was possible to miss someone so much.

Gabe, I hope the messenger angel is telling you all about how loved you are. How loved you will always be, by us. The people God trusted you with for a little while.

You are irreplaceable.

Life will never be the same without you.

I will never stop missing you.

This empty spot will always be here.

But so will this memory.

I still feel your heart beating on my fingertips.

I still smell your hair.

I still feel you pulling my hair out.

I hear you talking in baby language.

I watch Judah patting you while I say 'gently'.

I remember swaddling you.. bouncing you, rocking you... Loving you.

I will never forget.

Thank you for picking us. Whether you did or God did, thank you.

I never deserved you.

I never will deserve you.

How great, beautiful, perfect, lovely you were.

How strong, smart, gentle, giant, wonderful, brilliant you were.

It still feels like a dream. I still feel like I will wake up tomorrow and you will be finally coming home from the hospital. I don't know if it will ever feel real.

I miss you... So so so much.

I love you forever.


Unknown said...

Julia, You did and you DO deserve Gabe. Every minute, every second. You are so deserving of such a mighty miracle warrior. You do because God knew Gabe would require a love unlike any other. God chose you because God loves you so much and knows your heart. God knew you deserved one so amazing. God knew if He gave Gabe to you, Nick and Judah that Gabe would give more to the Kingdom than with any other mommy, daddy and brother. You deserve such a perfect angel. Never doubt that you and Nick and Judah are chosen....especially chosen by the author of Love.

I love you.

Brenna Forrey said...


I can think of no better mom for Gabe than you. You are amazing, brave, and strong. Maybe not in a huge, Arnold Schwarzenegger way; but definitely in the Frodo way. You did not - would not - give up in situations where normal people would have. You persevered to the last moment, and praised God throughout. Gabe had the parents he needed, and the parents he deserved.

Thank you for giving him that chance at life. Thank you for letting him touch the lives of so many people who didn't even have a chance to meet him in this life. Thank you for teaching us how to hope.


kenda said...

Beautiful. We lost our sweet Koralyn to HLHS on July 25, 2012, she was just shy of 4 months old. Born the day before your Gabe had his surgery. We never made it home from the hospital. God answered our prayers of healing but not the way we wanted him to. He is still good.

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