It is easier not to talk to you, lately.

Not because I don't love you, or because I don't think you love me... But because I don't understand.

I am not mad at you. I am sure that there is a reason why the world spins this way and not that way. I am sure that someday it will make sense... Or it won't make sense but there will be an answer as to why...

As to why sometimes miracles happen, and sometimes they don't.

Sometimes you watch a flower wilt before your eyes, and sometimes you watch it bloom and thrive.

As to why a bud of a rose would wilt so quickly before it's time, when it would have grown to be the most beautiful flower of all.

It stings because I wanted to glorify you for Gabe's long years, but instead I only can say thank you for the months we had.

I wanted so badly to be the one who got to boast about my son living when he should have died for a whole, long life.

But I want to boast about his short life too...

I just miss him so.

I know you have him, I watched him leave... But last night I felt you lay him next to me, in-between Judah and I and Daddy, in the spot he should be laying. I lay there and I could almost feel him in my arms again. His mushy little body and his sweet, glowing presence.

Then I saw him looking up at me, tilting his head so far back and talking... with his big "Oooos".

His sparkly eyes see into your heart, they don't let you lie about who you are or what's inside of yourself. They saw with purity.

I will spend the rest of my life loving you, but also wondering why your miracles thwarted my tiny boy in those moments, not because I don't trust your plan or your design... but because as a mother... I don't believe my son should have died. I don't believe he would have brought harm to our home or our world, but joy and peace.

And selfishly, I want him.

But you love me inspite of myself, which is the glory of it all.

I am so flawed that I can barely speak your name... but I know the truth is that you see me in these moments and still love me despite my carnal mind's expectations of you.

I wrote the blog, thankfulness... and I hoped that by being thankful for the hospital and the hope and the bad things, and the good... that I could get my miracle. That my son would be that miracle.

I needed him, you know?

He was my baby.

Nick and I always joked about how Judah was his 'mini-me' and he loved Nick so much, that Judah was 'his baby' and that the baby I was pregnant with would be my baby. I told Nick "I just have a feeling, he will be my baby. He will love me!" and he did. He was my baby.

The day we delivered Gabe, I was so nervous. How could I let him leave the protective shell he was in and enter the world knowing how small of a chance he had at being an adult?

But I did it. I brought him into the world, and I held him, and oh my gosh... I was in love. I knew him, he knew me, we were each others friends... and we were made for each other!

I held him for fifteen seconds.

And then I stayed awake.

I had to wait until he was settled to come see him again, and I was so tired. I'd been in labor stages for weeks and weeks, and they had to force my body to deliver him by breaking my waters.... and I was so tired. Nick fell asleep, and I stayed there, blinking, awake. I wouldn't sleep until I saw him again.

It was 2:20 in the morning when I started waiting.

And 6:30 am when I finally got to go and see him.

Beautiful, breathtakingly beautiful.

Like a little angel, short hands and short legs- but perfect. There was something about him, like he was custom made for me. To fit in my arms and to hold in my heart.

Sometimes, it's not enough to have him in my heart.

I need him in my arms, you know.

My arms ache for him, my heart and my body ache to see him again.

I know I won't be able to move on without him, but I can keep pressing forward. I can keep breathing, with the hope of heaven.


Shannon said...

I think it's perfectly okay for you to feel this way. I think he deserves to be in your arms. Made me ;'(

Mandy said...

Thanks for your words, Julia. I know He will help you process through all of this. He's helping me do that some through you guys. :-) It's not right. Death's just wrong. But, He will make all things right someday.

Total Pageviews