9.10.2012

Busy

Needless to say, the last few weeks have been a vast spread of emotions, but the main one I have been hanging around is a mixture of contentedness with what is left at the end of this journey, and anger at nothing in general other than the hole in my stomach that will probably never go away.

However, I have been keeping myself busy. I have had three photoshoots in the past few days... and the  editing process has been keeping me more than busy... But it's a rewarding sort of busy.

Honestly, I keep trying so hard not to teeter over the edge of the balance that I have hold of between 'okay' and 'falling into depression', and it feels like I am swimming upstream... But I am holding steady.

I had a very vivid, wake you up in a cold sweat kind of a dream last night. I was arguing with my Mom while driving, and suddenly we realized that I had hit something, someone was screaming. I got out and somehow it was Judah (even though he wasn't with us)... and his arm was severed while I screamed "Call 9-1-1!" over and over. I woke up with panic, and it was so real to my mind, I couldn't shake it for a while. Judah was in our bed, so he was laying next to me at the time... but I honestly felt such a deep despair that I still couldn't shake it for a while.

So other than that, we are staying afloat.

Afloat, whatever that means.

I have been having more trouble than I imagined with social gatherings, especially church- and I'm afraid to go back. I almost thought "maybe I will just go to a new church where no one knows me or Gabe or anything about this..." But that's not the reality of why I am having a hard time.

It would be just as hard to start somewhere new where no one knew.

Then I dreamt the other day that I was screaming at strangers "My baby died! He DIED!" Wishing for a reaction that would make me finally breathe out, you know... When you tell someone something deep and dark and they have the reaction like "WOW... My life is forever changed and I totally understand where you are coming from."

What a strange dream, but I suppose it had something do do with the intense loneliness that is related to losing your child/infant/spouse, whomever you lose, I'm sure it's still there.

Anyway, I suppose my point is, I will just have to move forward with the gutwrenching heartattack feeling I get every time I see someone who knows, or who doesn't know... Or who I wish I could talk to about it, but I can't because they could never, ever understand. Or the people who do understand who I wish didn't.

The turmoil lives within itself, I suppose. There's no 'good' way to feel about all of this, I'm afraid.

But I suppose I'm glad I feel something.

Whatever it is.

So I'm still moving forward.

We are heading to the coast for a couple days, and I am looking forward to that, at least... To a time away... But then I realized today you can't truly escape it... You can make yourself busy, so busy that you forget, for a moment, the intense loss... But you can't forget.

And from what I understand, it doesn't get easier. You just learn to be busy, always. Always busy, so you don't think for a moment how intensely you miss... Oh gosh here come the tears.

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