8.10.2012

"I chose to love you."

Early in my marriage, I had my first fight with my husband.

We were still in the 'blissfully happy makes people want to puke' stage of our marriage (which I hope to be at for the rest of our lives, if possible)- and I hadn't come down from the cloud nine of finding my soul mate and how everything felt so incredibly magical.

Actually, I think I only recently came down from that, but luckily I still am very much in love with him, just less dizzy about it :).

The first fight I remember clearly, was about love. I believe in love, in breathtaking, romantic, head over heels, throw away everything you own and backpack to Guadalajara kind of love.

Our joke back then, after we had lost both of our jobs 2 weeks after being married, then became pregnant, was that we were actually "Living on a Prayer." (Oh hindsight is 20/20, isn't it)

Nick and I were talking about love, though the entire conversation is a bit of a blur now, I recall him saying, quite clearly, that he believed love was a choice, and not a feeling."

I was quite up in arms at this point. "So you weren't really in love with me, because you could CHOOSE to love whoever you wanted?" I said, probably loudly, because I am a feisty gung-ho kind of a person.

"No, I fell in love with you, but I chose to love you too. I choose to love you even when the feeling isn't there."

Being a woman I took this as the feeling was indeed not there for him. But now, 3 years down the road, I can look back and see what he meant... and with a little less emotional fragility... Say that love is, indeed, a choice.

Poor Nick, that day I probably slumped into the bed with my angry face on.. and I recall him admitting that love wasn't only a choice (he is such a good husband ;)).

But at the same time, love is very much a choice.

If your relationship was as much as a bonfire in the start, like Nick and mine seemed to be, you don't need that choice, because it seems like less of a choice and more of a 'I can't live without you' feeling. That feeling hasn't gone away, I still feel like I can't live without my spouse...

But I also know that this is only the beginning. There has been moments in the past year where we wished the other person would fly to the other side of the country (and I ended up doing so, but put it mainly on the fact that our toddler needed something more normal... when indeed, it was all of us).

We have betrayed each others feelings, and lied to each other, and been so honest it was a little too much honesty at times... But we have seen the moments where we finally had to admit that we were choosing to love each other, even when the feeling felt like it had been slung into the mud and trampled on by wild horses...

And today, I woke up before him... We are sharing a little dinky room with a cot and another cot sized bed that we try to sleep on together when we are feeling especially needy... And I woke up on my own 'cot' very upset because I wanted a bed that was normal sized for once... so I could not feel so far away.

But there he was, my prince charming, sleeping away, and I woke him up with quiet words, just to see his blue eyes open. He opened them and looked at me, and that sweet half smile filled his sleepy eyes with that day-dreamy look that the boy who fell in love with me has given me over and over again since the day we met.

It's not hard to choose to love Nicholas, because the feelings are always there, even when the overcast is strong.

He cares about me more than anyone else in the world, he loves me enough to say that love isn't really a choice, because he wants me to know that he loves me passionately too.

But in the end, if it all falls apart... I know that we both know that we made a choice.

We choose love. :)
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