8.16.2012

A different kind of plan.

I have spent so much of the past year just waiting for our family's life to start together. Waiting for us all to be whole, complete.

Then, I spent even more time recently wondering when, if ever, it will happen that we will all be together under the same roof, away from the hospital.

"This couldn't be God's plan for me, could it?" I thought today.

Could God let my son go through so much, knowing how difficult it has been... and truly be giving me His best? See, God's best has always been 'better' than what I have, in my mind.

I always think that God's best is perfect health, perfect finances, perfect love.

Perhaps, what I've been missing all along, is that God's best is where I am.

Yesterday on my long plane ride, I began reading a book a friend of mine had sent me from her Mom. One Thousand Gifts.

I have had it for quite a while, and thought about it, but I wasn't ready.

I think it was the right time, yesterday, to begin this book.

One Thousand Gifts starts off with a tear-jerking story... told by a woman who had seen her sister die in front of her and watched her father's faith collapse in the wreckage, and very much lost her own faith in the beauty of life as well.

Then, it moves on to another story that tore a hole in my stomach.

A family, who had lost their first son to a disease- losing their second son to the same at just 6 months old... watching the breath slip from him.

It was almost too much to handle, well it was... I cried, of course, and for a moment shut the book. The father had faith, even in the moments of losing his second innocent son, that God had a plan.

I like to think that I have felt that much of the time, that there was a plan. But I have never thought that THIS, what we are going through, was the plan. The plan, I had always thought, was what was to come. The joy of a healed baby. The hope of a full, complete family. A family, that without Gabe, we will never feel.

The story continues, and the woman writing makes a profound realization that strikes me.

Before every miracle in the bible, there was thanksgiving... There was thankfulness for what was already had.

I can say that I have been thankful for the months we spent out of the hospital with Gabe. But I cannot say that I have been thankful for any moment I have spent over his hospital bed, watching him struggle with the fight to just live. Not even to be happy, but to just live.

In fact, the very thought of what he has had to endure makes me almost angry, at how truly unfair it is. At how such a beautiful baby cannot be a baby.

And today, in the heart-mom world, another baby was lost. I can't help it but cry every single time. It is too close to me still, and I hope one day I can have faith that it will not be us, but right now I still wonder.

Was that the plan God had for that baby? I don't think God has anything to do with death on this level. I think the only thing that caused death, congenital defects of any kind, cancer, pain, loss, exhaustion... Was evil that came into the world in the moment we fell from God's perfect plan.

The book also touches on that, but it's true reflection is the blessings that we do not count in our moments of life.

The blessings that I know of, but I have not thanked God for.

God's true act of love for us, every single blessing that we would not have without his grace.

If God's plan for us is for us to love and be thankful for where we are at, then who are we to call into question what the future should hold... When we cannot be thankful for what we have at this very moment.

So, as in the book, I have started my list. 1,000 blessings. But I don't intend to stop there. I intend, very much, to thank God for the things that I may acknowledge that are good in my life, but I don't thank Him for on a regular basis.

Because, the truth is this. I want my miracle. So I am going to be thankful for where I am at.

Miracles come after thankfulness.

God, give me a thankful heart.

Let me not be a complainer.
Take my heart and refine it that my eyes would be opened to the tremendous blessings you have given our family in the past years.
Let my spirit be a grateful one, that I can finally enter into your courts with a deep thanksgiving in my whole being.

Let me have peace with the world around me, as it is... So that You can be free to mold it to make it what you want it to be.

I'm ready for the plan, if this is it, let my heart be glad.

Let my heart be glad in the moments when others would be bitter.
Let my heart be softened in the times when others would harden.
Let my spirit exalt you in such a way that people would see Your love in my life, even though they may have a tendency to feel pain for our situation, don't let that be what we reflect.

Stir me up and make me new.

1 comment:

Aleisha said...

Hi Julia. You do not know me but I have been following your blog for awhile ,I found your blog through another blog. I have been praying for Gabe and all your family. I just want you to know what a blessing you are to others. I can not even imagine what you all are going through and I don't understand it why these things happen either...but you said it perfectly , because of all the evil, it is all because of that.... but yes , God is in control and he is with us always to help us through it , to give us Grace and strength to get through . praying for you all. God Bless you

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