7.31.2012

Gabe, I love you.

Dear Gabe,

I'm not sure what is going to happen. Every day, I wonder if you will recover more today or you will wind up with another complication... a fever, which you seem to get for unknown reasons at strange times... or worse.
I went into this with more faith that it would be a quick(er) process. I thought, six weeks... eight weeks tops... and then we will get a 6 month vacation from the hospital (for heart surgery, at least). I never expected three surgeries later, to be sobbing because I want you to look at me... Just to look at me.

I don't know if you are ever going to know how much you are loved. I don't know if you are going to be able to express love back to us, or if you will not be able to communicate it.. and that's okay. It's scary, it's hard- it feels unreal... But it's okay.

Gabe, I miss you more than I have ever missed anyone before in my life- and I don't know you that well yet. Maybe that's it. Maybe it's because I want so badly to get to know you more. To get to see you spin in circles and smile at Papa while you are swinging... Or to see you giggling in your sleep in Susie's arms.

I would go back to that moment... just to see you so peaceful, so joyful.

When we went into this, we were so scared that we wouldn't know the right things to do for you... Or how to fight for you... Or how to stop when it was time.

But we were so worried about things that we can't control. God controls so much of your world, Gabe. Doctors can help, nurses can love you and care for you, but in the end, only God has your world in his hands.

But what we can do, what we have always done... is love you. We have always loved you- and that's the best we can offer.

That's enough, isn't it?

Love is enough.

At the end of the day, if we lose this fight, if we win this fight, without love, it would mean nothing.

I love you so much, it's incredible.

I wish my memories were clearer, but some of them are finally clear to me again.

Gabe, I don't know if I will get to take you to kindergarten (although I pray and hope I do)... and I don't know if I will be able to sign with you... or just to take care of you.

But I know we spent three months with no hospital together. And you looked at me, and you looked at Shannon, Hannah, Cassie, Ashleigh, Papa, Mugga, Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt Debbie, Aunt Dorrine, Ann, Daddy, Judah, Mommy... and I know you touched all of our hearts.

You are the best listener I have ever met.

The sweetest friend I have ever held.

Stronger than I ever thought you could be.

Greatly Blessed.
Deeply Loved.
Highly Favored.

God made you for a purpose.

I am so lucky he made you for me. :)

1 comment:

Kristin Hankins said...

He will always know how much you love him. :)

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