6.30.2012

Romantic Hopes... true blessings.

I can't read anything that I posted before my last few posts. Even then, I still don't usually read anything that I've posted, which is one of the very mainest of main reasons that I will never write a book.

Everytime I read a post, I roll my eyes. Or I feel pity for that person I used to be, in highschool. Which, is also sad.

So I don't look back, I don't stare at the old things, because I'd rather focus on the now and the future.

The future...

Which I don't have a painted picture of anymore.

When I met my husband, I painted a picture of my life in my overly romantic mind, and I saw it very clearly with little kids, at least three of our own, and who knows how many adopted ones (if that ever worked out). But very quickly, almost too quickly, that dream became a cloud that turned into wisps.

The truth is, some people have a family, with three kids. But that doesn't mean it is romantic, and that doesn't mean it works out perfectly (and those who it does work out perfectly for, have their own flaws).

But some people have a family, get married, and don't get those babies. Some people can't have babies, for whatever reason, and don't get the chance to adopt... and their romantic dreams turn into wisps.

Or some people have a baby, and that baby is sick. That baby is born with difficulties, brain hemorrhages, spina bifida, heart defects, underdeveloped lungs, cancer, liver failure, kidney issues, brain issues, chromosomal abnormalities, missing pieces, hydrops, blindness, deafness, paralyzation, spine issues, twisted parts, intestine issues, and the list goes on. They may know before their little one is born, or they may hold their baby for 12 minutes of bliss, before they slip into heaven.

Or people have chronic pain, which takes their dreams of a family into wonders of how they would ever have or care for children of their own.

And their piece of heaven becomes something a lot smaller than just having a nice day with their family. Their piece of heaven becomes something a lot smaller than having 3 babies with no complications. It becomes having a good moment, where pain doesn't make them wonder how much time they have. Or a good moment, where their little one is not staring death in the face.

Their heaven becomes a lot simpler.

And their blessings become the things we never thought of being blessings.

Today, I am blessed, because I am not in pain.
Today, I am blessed, because my pain is manageable.
Today, I am blessed, because my son is breathing on his own.
Today, I am blessed, because my son can eat.
Today, I am blessed, because my son can communicate with me.
Today, I am blessed, because I have a child.
Today, I am blessed beyond measure, because I see the blessings in things great... and in things small.
I know the fragility, and that does not make me weak.
That makes me strong.
That gives me a picture of what we are truly blessed for.

A perspective, so raw, that it refreshes who I am.

And before I yell at my son for screaming.
I hold him tightly and tell him how much he is loved, and how grateful I am that he CAN breathe and scream and run. That he can talk. That he is alive.

So, although my experiences are very young and have naive eyes to see through, I can be thankful today that I was blessed with things I did not deserve, and that others would treasure, even in the moments that I forget to.

Thank you God for our experiences, giving us eyes to see the beauty in the smallest joys.

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