6.30.2012

Romantic Hopes... true blessings.

I can't read anything that I posted before my last few posts. Even then, I still don't usually read anything that I've posted, which is one of the very mainest of main reasons that I will never write a book.

Everytime I read a post, I roll my eyes. Or I feel pity for that person I used to be, in highschool. Which, is also sad.

So I don't look back, I don't stare at the old things, because I'd rather focus on the now and the future.

The future...

Which I don't have a painted picture of anymore.

When I met my husband, I painted a picture of my life in my overly romantic mind, and I saw it very clearly with little kids, at least three of our own, and who knows how many adopted ones (if that ever worked out). But very quickly, almost too quickly, that dream became a cloud that turned into wisps.

The truth is, some people have a family, with three kids. But that doesn't mean it is romantic, and that doesn't mean it works out perfectly (and those who it does work out perfectly for, have their own flaws).

But some people have a family, get married, and don't get those babies. Some people can't have babies, for whatever reason, and don't get the chance to adopt... and their romantic dreams turn into wisps.

Or some people have a baby, and that baby is sick. That baby is born with difficulties, brain hemorrhages, spina bifida, heart defects, underdeveloped lungs, cancer, liver failure, kidney issues, brain issues, chromosomal abnormalities, missing pieces, hydrops, blindness, deafness, paralyzation, spine issues, twisted parts, intestine issues, and the list goes on. They may know before their little one is born, or they may hold their baby for 12 minutes of bliss, before they slip into heaven.

Or people have chronic pain, which takes their dreams of a family into wonders of how they would ever have or care for children of their own.

And their piece of heaven becomes something a lot smaller than just having a nice day with their family. Their piece of heaven becomes something a lot smaller than having 3 babies with no complications. It becomes having a good moment, where pain doesn't make them wonder how much time they have. Or a good moment, where their little one is not staring death in the face.

Their heaven becomes a lot simpler.

And their blessings become the things we never thought of being blessings.

Today, I am blessed, because I am not in pain.
Today, I am blessed, because my pain is manageable.
Today, I am blessed, because my son is breathing on his own.
Today, I am blessed, because my son can eat.
Today, I am blessed, because my son can communicate with me.
Today, I am blessed, because I have a child.
Today, I am blessed beyond measure, because I see the blessings in things great... and in things small.
I know the fragility, and that does not make me weak.
That makes me strong.
That gives me a picture of what we are truly blessed for.

A perspective, so raw, that it refreshes who I am.

And before I yell at my son for screaming.
I hold him tightly and tell him how much he is loved, and how grateful I am that he CAN breathe and scream and run. That he can talk. That he is alive.

So, although my experiences are very young and have naive eyes to see through, I can be thankful today that I was blessed with things I did not deserve, and that others would treasure, even in the moments that I forget to.

Thank you God for our experiences, giving us eyes to see the beauty in the smallest joys.

6.26.2012

Lost for words... with all to say.

So I will just throw out some uplifting quotes on here today!

"Beauty enters your heart through all the senses, and the beauty grows stronger when more than one of the senses is involved." -Thomas Kinkade

"Close your eyes, and picture a place you're yearning to be. A place that is beautiful and comforting, where everything is hopeful and alive." -Thomas Kinkade

"Consistent and durable joy is generated when we pursue a passion that is strong enough to carry us past pain, something is so meaningful and absorbing that we can ignore unhappy circumstances." -Thomas Kinkade

"The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things." -Henry Ward Beecher

6.23.2012

Feeling small

Nothing quite tests your world like having a baby with a severe congenital heart defect.

Suddenly, you aren't quite as powerful of a parent as you thought you were. Actually, you have literally no control (nor would you want to, some of the time)... But the hardest parts are the extreme ups and the extreme downs.

Gabe went from sleeping two months, to being unintubated recently, and now is not doing well again. He was reintubated this morning... and from across the country... I can't help but feel extremely, extremely small.

I can't change Gabe's body, his circumstances, but I can put my little hopes (and big) in God.

Prayer warriors, now is the time to pray for Gabe, he needs to get off of this ventilator once and for all, and soon. His body needs to recover- so we can finally take him home for the life we have our hopes set on for him. One away from the hospital.

Jesus, now is the time for Gabe's body to get it's healing touch, because only you can change these circumstances, the workings of the body- to get him to where he can be in our arms.

6.11.2012

tonight...

A love so deep
It's close to insanity
To give a heart it's beat
A mother would give her last breath

Stolen moments of joy
Replaced by breaths held
Hearts racing
For one heart

A life worth fighting for
Though not all see the value
A beauty so rare
Very few behold the truth

Held in my arms
In a moment of realization
That life is so precious
It should have no limitations

Why do you fight
When hope is so obscure
Why do you hope
When it might be easier to give up

Why do you keep pushing down the walls
When they told you it was impossible?
Why do you keep trying,
When they say it's not worth the fight?

I held perfection in my arms,
As it breathed a hopeful breath.
I held life in my arms,
with value recognized by few.

I saw the stealer,
lurking many times.
He stood next to my son's bed,
Trying to steal his life.

He told me it wasn't worth it,
The fight was not for much.
But I called him out on his lies,
And the warmth of hope filled my soul.

Why do we give in so easily?
Do we feel the need to give up.
Why do we not listen,
When the Holy Spirit sends his touch?

I held my son's body,
empty, with life slipping away.
And I saw the beauty,
of a future that God had in mind.

A surgeons hands did the work,
that God had in mind for us.
A miracle in the making,
hope for many others to come.

I know hope.
I see it every day.
I know impossible,
it means nothing in God's way.

Next time you find yourself staring at impossible,
Don't give in to that voice, but wait on God.
His response won't always seem well timed to our mortal minds.
But when you give your troubles to God...
You leave your weights behind.
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