5.02.2012

Yesterday we found out that our friend Gracie had passed away. We never met her, but we knew of her, and the fact that she was so alike our Gabe... and she had recieved a whole heart repair from Dr del Nido (and God)...

She passed away yesterday morning unexpectedly. She had pneumonia and had been intubated, but apparently was extubated too early...

It was heartbreaking to hear this news. Shocking... Stinging.

It reminded me very much of our sweet friend Adam, who we lost in Seattle. He had recieved a heart transplant and beat rejection- only to die from an infection that they didn't know about until it was too late.

To receive a whole heart, to go through all that our babies go through- to die from a cold- or an infection. It's a fear of mine.

Yesterday, I was talking to God casually- and I said "Please don't take us through all of this for us to lose him to a cold." I was saying it in the manner that I was thinking "I would rather him pass away now, then go through all this pain for nothing." But immediately after I said it- I realized what I had said and that I didn't mean it.

I recanted my statement and said. "Well, of course we want every blissful moment we can have with him."

It is my fear of pain, that caused me to think that way.

It has been nearly a month since I held my son in my arms. Since I rocked him- bounced him... Gave him a bath...

It stings, not knowing how soon- if ever- I will hold him in the way I used to be able to hold him. If I will see his little eyes open. Though I have faith that God does extreme miracles- my faith also recognizes that God does- for whatever reasons- let babies die from pneumonia after they go through extreme things like heart surgery. I recognize that, because I have seen it many times now.

Whatever God's will in this, we will be okay.

Although I will admit, I cannot wait to hold my son for much longer ;)

3 comments:

Kristin Hankins said...

I love the saying "If He brings you to it, He'll bring you through it." I know that can be applied in many ways, but I absolutely pray that it means the best possible outcome for your family.

Kristin Hankins said...

I love the saying "If He brings you to it, He'll bring you through it." I know that can be applied in many ways, but I absolutely pray that it means the best possible outcome for your family.

Mandy said...

I am so sorry about your friend. And, I pray you get to hold him soon, Julia! I understand your fears...and so does He. Gabe's heart, body, and future continue to be in His hands.

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