5.22.2012

Forgive me for being small.

Do you ever get a grasp at how small you really are? How little you have control over?

In the past 10 months- it has become painstakingly clear to me how small I really am. How big the universe is, and how small Julia is when it relates to all things.

Sometimes, it's nice to not have to be in control. But then again, sometimes it leaves me grasping for threads to pull on, to hold onto.

My body is exhausted- my head is literally drained... My strength at it's smallest.

So maybe going to Boise isn't entirely for Judah, but rather also for the hope that I can find the strength in myself to keep on putting my head down and pushing forward.

All I want to do is hide all day from everything. From pain, specifically. But from everything else too.

Hide from the fights, the words thrown, hide from the hospital- from heart surgery, from pain.

I know that the only rest that will give me strength is rest from God, but I also know better than to assume that it's just me that is going on here.

For the past five months I have been taking anti-depressants- which make things tolerable- but they have been having some odd side effects on my body. So I have begun the slow progress of weaning them for the sake of my health. Not for me, but rather for my family.

If there is no change in my body after the weaning, then it will be to the doctors office for me.

So please be in prayer for my head, heart, soul, and for my body.

I am still kicking, but I am just a little bit drained.

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