5.31.2012

Barely even a drop

I wonder, sometimes, what happened to Gabes heart when it was forming at 7 weeks pregnant. Morning sickness hadn't set in yet, but soon it would. His heart was beating already, I had heard his heart beat at 7 weeks pregnant for the first time through the doppler (usually it is too early to detect it, but I was lucky). It sounded normal to me, similar to Judahs. A sweet 'thud thud' noise that reminded me of a galloping horse (which I have been told is a sign it's a boy ;).)

But somewhere, when his heart was pumping barely even a drop of fluid, it diverted the wrong direction and formed incorrectly, leaving his right side of his heart do do 90 percent of the work, and his left side to do nearly none of it. Of course, at that point, I was helping Gabe sustain his life, but his heart was working too.

Even if it wasn't working correctly, it was keeping him alive. Beating to the rhythm of it's own drum, I suppose. Though it wasn't formed properly, it was doing the job it needed to to grow my little guy to a perfect little birthweight. Perfectly formed fingers, toes, features. Perfectly formed everything, except this little heart of his. But his heart didn't know it wasn't doing the right thing. It didn't know that the blood flow wouldn't work in the long term. All his little heart knew is that it was doing the job, the only job it needed to do, as well as it could.

And I would say it was pretty darn well.

When he was born, he was so pink. No one would have known there was something to be said about his little heart not beating in a typical way. But I suppose, there is nothing typical about Gabe.

When I saw his little face, I knew I couldn't hold onto him for long, and I had to fight every single thought in my head and instinct that wanted to football hold him so that no one could lay a hand on him.

I held him for a beautiful second, in awe of his pinkness (Which I was told he might not have).

So now, during his third open heart surgery, I think of all the moments I was in awe of the perfection in this little boy who was born with an imperfect heart that kept on beating, even when the odds were against it.

Because that's the way God made my son. A unique, one of a kind, perfect blend of imperfection.

And there is something to be said for that.

2 comments:

jessica lindberg said...

Your writing is beautiful! My son is also in the CICU and we have had a very long stay. I relate to your words, your prayers. I will pray for you tonight. May God hold all 4 of you tight and bring healing to Gabe!

jessica lindberg said...

Your writing is beautiful! My son is also in the CICU and we have had a very long stay. I relate to your words, your prayers. I will pray for you tonight. May God hold all 4 of you tight and bring healing to Gabe!

There was an error in this gadget

Total Pageviews