1.30.2012

Pain

When we were in the midst of it with Gabe, with no hope- my Mom sent me a song by Amy Grant called "Better than a Hallelujah."
Here are some of the lyrics:

God loves a lullaby
In a mother's tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah



I wish so bad right now that I could give Adam back to his parents. I wish I could bring him back.

I am so angry right now.

I am so angry because Adam's heart was finally fine.

He went through so much, through a transplant, through coding, through rejection, and finally healed.

He was literally about to finally go to HOME HOME, not the Ronald McDonald House, but true home.

But he died.

Suddenly.

We thought he just had a cold. They took him in, he was admitted.

He coded.

He was put on life support, but he was already gone. The brain bleed he had was unsurvivable... and all of this was from an infection that had been secretly brewing.

I want to give my life up so that this family can have their little boy back.

They gave us all of their diapers.

They gave us all of his clothes he was about to use. He should be using.

And his heart was perfect.

After all this fighting, after 19 months of fighting... It's all over.

And I can't do anything to help them.

And I know if it were us, no one could say anything to help us.



People ask me, why does God let this happen?



And in some sick twisted way... I feel like pain- pain is meant to happen.

For every single second we fight for Gabe, we love him more.

For every single second we spend giving up something for the life of our son, our love grows.

And how would we know how lucky we are, if pain didn't exist?

If no one ever felt pain, how would we ever know true Joy.

How blessed you are to have a baby.

How blessed you are to have a healthy baby.

How blessed you are to be healthy.

Pain is beautiful.

I may sound twisted...

But without pain, I would never know how broken I am. I wouldn't need God.

Without sickness, death, loss... I would never need Jesus.

And whether or not it makes sense- I understand pain. I understand battles. That we are able to fight them. And it's okay if we lose them- because in the end- we fought for love with all we had- and that was worth 1 minute- or 10 minutes of life. A lifetime of emotional pain is worth a moment of bliss. It truly is- in my mind.

If Gabe doesn't make it to 2- or to 6- I will experience pain that I cannot imagine. There will be a hole in my heart that will never be filled until I see him again in heaven... But it will be worth it.

It is worth it.

And when I saw Adam with his parents for the first time, I knew that he was worth the fight. For even one minute.

I am so glad they fought.

And I wish I could give them their Adam back. But I know he is at peace- with Jesus. I know he is laughing. I know he knows how deeply he was loved. I know he loved his parents deeply.

1 comment:

Kristin said...

My heart breaks for Adam's family. I can't imagine how they feel. You're right though; without pain we wouldn't know happiness.

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