Today my heart is mixed in so many different emotions it is difficult to word them.
With yesterday's news, and today's news, sorrow, pain, joy- all are present in these moments.
A friend had emailed me a couple weeks ago letting me know of a baby that was in our hospital who had HLHS as well as transposition of the great arteries. Her name was Hope. I was in a whirlwind of business at the time, and thought I would get to it later. Then, a few days ago, I got an email from a different friend about the same baby, Hope. I remembered that I hadn't tried to reach out, and my heart felt heavy. I thought "After Nick's neck heals up from his biopsy and I from my small procedure... I will get over there and bring a note."
Well, another friend posted a link to Hope's blog. I started reading it and it said that they had no options. Hope was dying, and they were going to have to let her go that night. Then I realized, that was two nights ago.
As I read this, my heart became so full of grief for this family that I fell back into the memories of when we were told Gabe did not qualify for surgery, that his life was over. I was in that boat, and I somehow ended up with this baby here, in my arms, as I read through Hope's post.
When I was pregnant with Gabe, every time I bought him something I wondered if he would ever use it. Would he ever wear a onesie, would he ever play with toys or be able to wear a hat? Would I ever hold him after that first moment?
Today, they are in that reality. Surrounded by carseats and toys and clothes for their little sweet Hope, they are still rejoicing in the moments they had with her.
I want a faith like that. I want to be the person who- in the midst of the unimaginable pain of loss- is rejoicing in God for the moments I had my son. I am so lucky he is here right now.
Please be praying for Hope's family. She was a miracle conception as her Mom has endometriosis and conception is a miracle for them. The have an older child, a son, as well and I know lifting them in prayer could bring a soft peace to them as they are mourning.
The next news we got was yesterday. On the way inside of the Ronald McDonald House, we ran into a friend of ours, Randy's Mom. Nick asked her how she was doing, and she told him Randy was back in the hospital.
Randy had been doing so well, had his trach taken out a while ago (but then replaced), but was nearing the time in which he could finally go home. They had been there for a year.
We asked what was going on, and she said that his tumors were back.
We stood there for a moment, waiting for more, but she didn't say anything.
"So what's the plan?" Nick asked.
She paused. "There is no plan." She said, tears welling up in her eyes.
Nick and I looked at each other and both of us began to cry. We love this family so much, and this moment was so unexpected.
I hugged her, crying and praying, and Nick hugged her too.. Then we got on the elevator and the ride upstairs was silent.
Nick had just had his tumor removed from his Neck to be biopsied, and he needed to rest, but couldn't. He went to the hospital to pray for Randy and his family.
The tumor he has is wrapped through his spinal cord and brain. It's inoperable and does not respond to chemo or radiation. But You are God of the impossible, aren't You?
Please be praying for Randy and his family.
The last is good news. Our other friends, Adam's parents- knocked on our door an hour ago. Here they are holding their son, Adam. He is officially out of the hospital- after his rejection was stopped and his new heart is working. He is still on oxygen, but doing so much better.
Please pray for Adams family that Adam does well with his discharge. What a great Christmas gift.
So as you can see, our hearts are a bit full of joy and quite a bit heavy as well.
I know that Hope's parents prayed for her every step of the way, they were prayed for by so many.
I can't wait to meet God, I have quite a few questions for him.
Gabe's cath lab procedure is scheduled for the beginning of January, so we will know then if he is ready for his second open heart surgery.
Please be praying for us. We are so in love with this little bundle of miraculous joy.