11.19.2011

Winter

Nick and I didn't pack for winter. Whether due to optimism or pessimism, we expected to be home before it was 'very' cold, and yet.. Here we are. I wear two jackets underneath my coat, but I am so excited to get home and pack up some warm clothes.

Judah and I are traveling to Boise this coming week. We are packing up our apartment and organizing and cleaning the best we can. And getting warm clothes for Nick and I (YAY).

We were recently told that our doctors would not want to discharge us to Boise at this point... So we will most likely be staying here at the Ronald McDonald House until after his next surgery. It's not too far away 2 or 3 months... and Gabriel is a heart kid that needs extra oxygen, which means that any sickness or virus will hospitalize him with even more extra oxygen assistance needed.

We found this information out a few days ago. We are kind of in a difficult spot mentally- we are both homesick... But we will not have a 'home' to go to when this is all said and done. Weird. (Except of course our loving family members).

Nick's work messed us up financially pretty hardcore. It's pretty painful. We haven't even added up the money (though it stopped quite a few paychecks ago). Basically, when we originally came here we were told we would be given vacation donation (we were so blessed). Well, we got a few paychecks of what we thought was that... and it ended up being a mistake (they called us this week to let us know.) So, here we are thinking we were breaking even at the 5 dollars we had left in our pocket and then all of the sudden it's around negative 3 grand. (with taxes).

Not trying to be whiny... But this really sucks. We were planning on saving up for a deposit for our apartment... Not to mention Christmas presents for Judah.

Sigh.

Nick and I have been saving our Christmas decorations for when we could finally have our own Christmas tree in our own place. So, right now things are more bitter than bitter sweet.

But, we have our family and we have a hope for the future, so that is a blessing all on it's own. <3

11.09.2011

Ice

We were so excited to take Gabe home (or away from the hospital, at least), for a few days. It was surreal, as I wheeled him down to the car. He had been fussy since before we had packed up to leave, but he fell asleep in the car.
Judah was in the other side in his carseat asleep too. It was the perfect moment.
When we got to Nick's parents house, unloaded all of Gabe's equipment (There is a lot of it), he cried. He cried every second he was awake, passing out for a while and then waking up very upset again.
I felt like something was very wrong, that it wasn't normal baby crying- but of course no one wants to admit this, that we need to take him back in. So, we toughed it out. We bounced, rocked, jiggled, swaddled, unswaddled, and tried.
I knew pretty quickly that it wasn't going away, although I hoped I was wrong.

The problem with being married is that you have to be in agreement, and neither of us wanted to admit that our first attempt at normalcy had ended. In trying to be diplomatic, I suggested we take Gabe in if he still was inconsolable after his nap.

We got to bedtime, tucked him in his bassinet and hoped for the best. Gabe woke up every hour or so crying, having terrible diapers and his breathing rate just wasn't slowing when he went to sleep. Nick and I both agreed that it was time to call it quits and take him in. We called his cardiologist and let them know what was happening.

When we got to the hospital, Gabe's blood gas wasn't looking good, as we suspected. He was extremely upset when we got there. They placed an IV and withheld his food... Which was terrible since his middle of the night feed didn't complete, so he hadn't eaten since 1am. The poor guy didn't get to eat anything until 11am, after hours of us demanding he be fed. (He calmed down immediately after it started).

We were told that he would be checked in again, and most likely stay till his g-tube surgery.


I think this blow was especially hard. We got out the doors, only to turn right around.

It's a lot to deal with, mentally.

It looks like going home for thanksgiving is out of the picture.

That really hurts right now- I have to be honest, it's been so difficult lately. Not knowing what is going to happen is hard.

11.04.2011

You can have my Christmas presents, but you sure can't steal my joy.

One of the many lines that tell me that my depression is trying to steal my joy- is when my mind suddenly thinks that everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) is hopeless.

Usually, I can cut it off before this point, but yesterday I definitely got to the point where I defined everything as hopeless.

I should laugh at myself here. Hopeless? How dramatic!

Then I think of the line "Who stole your Christmas presents?"

Nick and I always chuckle when Judah has a seriously huge meltdown over something very small. You would think his world was falling apart when he didn't get to pull all of the keys off of my laptop with a set of keys he found. He melted down and sobbed. I said "Aww, did someone steal your Christmas presents little man?" and then thought... Who stole mine?

I mean, in all reality- they call satan a stealer, not because he steals your money or your livelihood... But because he steals your joy.

Just like Judah's falling apart because he was in trouble for doing something that was naughty... He felt like it was hopeless, it was the end of the world. He was in trouble, no one loved him or understood him, no one wanted him to be happy.

Am I like a little child?

Well, yesterday I felt like I was. I was laying there, lining up all the things that sucked in our life at the moment and I saw no hope. I saw hopelessness. Like Judah, I couldn't see past the immediate moment that was in my face. Past my failures, my lost dreams, my fears, my hurts. I was stuck with that thought that everything was totally lost.

Today I stare at that image of myself feeling so badly... And I wonder what on earth was going on.

Satan stole my Christmas presents. He stole my joy. I let him steal my joy- and I froze in terror as he did. What I should have done is turned around, looked him in the ugly face and said "You can have my Christmas presents, but you sure can't steal my joy."

Now, the people that I know that don't really believe in Satan- you still believe in good and evil. Well, evil thoughts or hindering thoughts (which I believe are from the devil working his way in your mind) are easily rebuked- and if you rebuke them with Jesus on your side, it's not a battle. It's just a "throw your hands up in the air" situation. It's nice.

"God, pour a joyful heart onto me. Give me a heart of gratitude and don't let satan or evil take a foothold in my life. In Jesus name, I call my mind and spirit strong and whole, not broken or weak. I will lean on You."

:)
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