Sometimes I wonder if God was preparing us for Gabe when Judah was going through his difficulties... and then sometimes I wonder if Gabe is preparing us for Judah.
When you become parents, there is no manual. There really ought to be, but unfortunately you can do everything right and it will be all wrong for your child.
It doesn't matter how many green vegetables your child eats, he still is going to scream bloody murder all the way through the checkout line or when you go to eat at a restaurant.
Judah cried and cried and cried and cried and cried for his first 4 months of life. He never stopped crying except when he was passed out from pure exhaustion.
He was starving, but couldn't eat. He was eating, but couldn't breathe. He had gas, his formula constipated him, he just was sad. We bounced him and bounced him and bounced him. We did everything we could think of to get him to stop crying. Nothing ever worked for more than a few minutes.
Judah did not have colic, he was starving due to difficulties that no one seemed to be able to diagnose. Finally, when he was so small and quit eating entirely- we knocked on our doctors office every single day for a week. We were terrified. We didn't know what was going to happen to our son. No one could tell us what was wrong or how to fix it. All we knew was he was withering away before our eyes.
Finally, someone found the answer and the crying slowed. Whining still happened, but the crying.. The constant unstoppable crying ended.
We thought that was the end of the world. It was the end of the world- for us. It was the scariest thing you could go through, being helpless to save your child. Being helpless to fix him.
When Gabe was diagnosed with HLHS- we were helpless. All we knew was that his only option was surgery. It was out of our hands. It is all out of our hands. We knew that we could not save him. We knew that we could not fix him. We knew that we were doing nothing wrong. That it was not in our hands- it was in God's and the surgeons hands to save him.
Now, in comparing those two situations... Which one was scarier?
Judah scared me more than Gabe's situation ever has. We were prepared to be helpless with Gabe. We knew we couldn't change what he has to go through to get a chance at life. The weight was off of our shoulders.
In facing the two circumstances again, if we had not experienced what we did with Judah- we probably would be wrecked. We probably would be out of our minds with this situation. That's normal.
But I honestly thank God for Judah's circumstances- because they prepared us.
And now, we get the parenting skills through all the things we are going through with Gabe to use on Judah. Patience, slow to anger, loving, and just enjoying him more than ever.
Life comes at you fast. So you suck in every day, the entire day. You appreciate the bad along with the good, because they both teach you. I have learned so much about love and trust. Trusting God. Trusting a surgeon to do his best, with God's help, to save my son for just a little longer.
Thank you Jesus for preparing our hearts for Gabe's heart.