Today, just a few minutes ago- we took Gabe to the surgical waiting area to have the doctors take him into the Cath lab. We are praying, hoping, believing that this will help him get off of oxygen so we can finally take him home.
I never cried when Gabe was taken before. Today, I choked back tears before they could fall. Probably because the attachment has been difficult to avoid the past weeks, watching him become himself, developing his personality very slowly and surely underneath my eyes. I kept thinking, I should have waited in his room. Handing him to the doctors who were very quickly going to be putting him to sleep- intubating him, and preforming a procedure that could be life threatening if done wrong... It took a lot of courage to let him go.
I think it shocked me a bit to realize that.
But the past few days have been difficult all on their own.
Yesterday, Nick's Aunt Kelley came and talked with me, shared some visions and some scriptures with me. I needed it, the encouragement and the fellowship of knowing that I am not alone in these struggles and being reaffirmed that the weight is not on my shoulders to fight these personal battles.
Lately, it seems like my dreams are constantly about Nick and I, our marriage. They are nightmares most nights, about us falling apart, Nick stopping caring, or me leaving. It's awful. They are so real in my subconcious that I wake up and reach over to him, needing to know that he is still there and he still loves me...
It's silly, that our dreams can be the place where evil messes with us the most.
Last night, however, I had a good dream again. Finally. After weeks of nightmares, I had a good dream about our marriage.
I think that Satan attacks this, because marriage is the one thing in my world that I know where I stand. I know that marriage is forever, and I have been blessed immensely with a man who feels the same, loves me forever, and committed to continue falling in love with me until one of us kicks the bucket :).
I would like to say that I am superhuman and I don't struggle with negative thoughts, but I am weak.
Sometimes you have to head back to those childrens songs- from nursery class.
"I am weak yet he is strong, Yes Jesus loves me!"
The reason we have to acknowledge our own weaknesses is not because we are pitiful, but because Jesus is the one who gets to fight for us, we have to lay our burdens upon him. He already took the pain and died for them, it's pointless to drag ourselves through the mud when we have already been freed from these pointless chains.
If you aren't laying it down for your Father- why do you think he died in such a terrible way? Do you not trust him to relieve your burdened heart?
Something to think about.
Please be praying for me, and let me know what you need prayer for. The people of God are called to pray for one another, to lay their burdens down, and to constantly remind each other of the things we should already know..