I don't think I had any idea what I was getting myself into when I told my husband that I thought it would be great to have 3 children while I was young, so that I had little friends to hang out with. Okay, maybe I did. Maybe I would do it all over again.
I would. I definitely would.
But I imagined it a little differently. I imagined my 2 boys and 1 girl (Yes, it was all worked out) running together, playing together, dancing, singing, going to church. I would be super mom (as I remembered my Mom being) and we would have all sorts of fun family memories together, imagining, playing.
1 year ago today, I wasn't sure if Judah would ever get off of a feeding tube. I wasn't sure if he would ever stop aspirating liquids into his lungs. I wasn't sure if people would always be asking me 'what's wrong with him?'.
Then, God made a way. I know it was God because it was a chance happening that Sky mentioned that Judah's frenulum (tongue-cord, as I referred to it) seemed 'quite tight' and needed to be clipped. This little tiny tongue cord, this silly little thing- it was the key to Judah's difficulties. We think it was what caused him trouble in the beginning, although his laryngomalacia (floppy larynx) and stridor were scary- it might have not been surgical had someone just noticed this little thing.
Judah- he is thriving. More than thriving, really. He looks small still- and he is- but he is thriving. He eats well, plays constantly... nonstop- all day- and he is brilliant. I'm not just saying he is brilliant from a silly Mom view (okay, maybe a little)... But he truly is incredibly intelligent and percieves so much that it baffles me. He is adorable in every way. It's easy to fall in love with him- just like the day he was born. It is so easy.
Gabe is the one facing the challenges at this moment. The question today is- "will he need to be reintubated?" His life- we take it one day at a time. We learned a lot from Judah's experiences. We were ready for the hospital. We learned that much of what you see in a hospital looks scarier than it is (we hope)- and that you cannot kill yourself with worry.
I am so blessed to know a Father who loves me. I know that God has Gabe in the palm of his hand.
A few weeks ago Pastor Susie told me that God was squeezing Gabe's little heart- she saw Him doing it in a vision she had. Suddenly, shortly after she told me this, Gabe qualified for surgery. His heart that had not been squeezing adequately before... It began to squeeze marvelously. His leaky valve all but stopped leaking... He amazed all who saw him.
Our friend Ricy said that he could not stop hearing the words "Gabriel's Hope" in his head when he was thinking of Gabe. Suddenly, it was in my head too. God put it there.
Hope- Gabe- Hope- Gabe- Hope.
Maybe this is what steadies my heart on days like today where I can't imagine breaking away from chores and Judah to go to the hospital and be with my other little one. I enjoy greatly my time with Judah- but I have a hole when I am with him, and a hole when I am with Gabe.
Someday, when I have them both in one room- I will lavish them with kisses and bask in the ability to have my boys all together. All three of them.
Gosh I am so blessed.
For those of you who have been blessing us with letters, with love, with support, with words of hope, encouragement... I am listening. I take it all in. I take every piece in. I wish I had a computer in my room that worked adequately to type long- well spoken replies to you.
Thank you for showing God in your words, in your gifts... Just in your love and prayers.