8.30.2011

Sweet Gabriel

Oh my sweet boy. Loves to be held, his feet are VERY ticklish, and he sucks on his breathing tube like a binky. I would do anything, anything at all to take every moment of discomfort away from him. I would do anything at all to save him from every second of pain.

I am so exhausted, but sleep is so hard. I am afraid I will miss something. I can't sleep if he is alone- because I am afraid he will feel alone and not fight. He just has to fight.

His heart was the best heart on the monitors, you know. Before he was born, they always said he was the best heart, the most beautiful baby on the floor. I listened to the galloping so proudly, knowing that he was the strongest, as he needed to be.

Crying out to God, not recognizing myself at the moment. My eyes are so swollen I was having a hard time seeing for a while.

The support, it's so needed. It's so wonderful. It's more than a blessing. It's more than a gift. It's everything.

I feel like I have a heart condition right now. I would break my heart in half to give him the other half.

Hearing that a heart transplant wasn't going to happen because of his 'quality of life' if he has down syndrome.. Since he has it... It made me almost angry. But I expected it, due to the research I'd done prenatally.

My baby- my sweet Gabriel... He deserves a heart- a whole heart. He deserves a fight, to fight. He deserves to live. We love him... So much. And we will love him with all our hearts every day we have him. We want him forever.

Hear my Cry Oh God, Attend unto my prayers
From the ends of the Earth, Do I cry unto thee.
When my heart is overwhelmed,
Lead me to the Rock

That is higher than I.
That is higher than I.

Oh Gabriel, get stronger. We love you- so many people love you. You are our baby, and we will never give you up or replace you.

8.28.2011

Gabriel Abraham McAllister!

Gabriel Abraham was born at 2:20 AM after three pushes. It was the easiest, fastest, and funnest delivery- we are so lucky. He weighs 7LBS 11OZ- and looks like a giant in the NICU.

I am waiting to go give him his blanket in the NICU and kiss his sweetness again before they transfer him to Children's in the morning... So while I keep myself awake with my sweet husband resting- I thought I would write what emotions I felt when I saw him.

We knew/know that Gabe has a possibility of having Downs Syndrome. In my heart, I think I knew he probably did, but I kept saying that he was probably just a little short with a big head like my sweet husband Nick.

So the second I laid eyes on Gabe, of course I knew that he looked like he did. But all I could think is "It's him. It's the little boy I fell in love with before I met him... It's Gabe." There was no moment of sorrow for the more 'perfect' baby, though some fear of what this might mean for his heart surgeries in the future... But Gabe is strong, he is a warrior, he is my son.

When we met Judah for the first time, we were so in love, but we didn't know Judah- we knew the kicks, we knew that we couldn't wait to have our baby in our arms, but we didn't see him instantly as the "Judah" we had been waiting for... Not because Judah wasn't as special, but because we didn't develop the same bond at first with Judah- it came after delivery (we love them equally, of course!)

When Nick and I saw Gabe, we knew him. We knew his heart, knew his chubby cheeks, knew his movements, knew it was the boy we had been praying for, the boy God gave to us.

Downs Syndrome is not a fear of mine. I thought at first, as I said before, that Downs was a hard possibility to face, but when I talked with God, this fear left me. I had prayed early in this pregnancy that God give Gabe a healthy heart, that I didn't care about the possibility of Down's Syndrome, though some fear it deeply.

Now, we aren't 100 percent sure if Gabe has Downs or possibly another chromosomal issue- but I can tell you that he is completely the boy I wanted, the boy I love, and I am not disappointed.

I will never for one second question my love for him, and I will do everything in my power to fight with him and for him every second of his life. I will be the mother that Jesus gave me the ability to be.

Gabe has hypoplastic left heart syndrome. He has an incredibly strong, beautiful heart. He is so snuggly, so sweet.

Gabe is my son.


He is our Gaberham, our Gabraham, our Gabe the Ham, our second son, our little man, our angel.


And in this fight, the last thing on my mind is which chromosomes he has. I would give my heart to him if I could, I would save him from what he is about to go through if I could, but I promise to love him with every fiber of my being that God gave me to love him with.

So if you think I am disappointed, please know that I am not. I am so happy. I am blessed beyond measure. <3

8.22.2011

Jesus asked his father if there was any way he could avoid experiencing the pain he went through for us. He asked his father if the cup could pass from him- because I imagine the thought of what he would have to go through to justify saving us from our sins was more than terrifying.

I think I have asked my fair share if this cup could pass from us. Sometimes it feels like I am oh ye of little faith's embodiment- fearing the pain of the future and hoping with a mustard seed mentality that the next weeks ahead could somehow be avoided.

Here it is upon us, that moment- and I am still in the same position I was when we found out about Gabe's special heart. Wondering if I will hold him for one second of his life or for years.

But my goodness gracious... I am so excited to meet him. Finally, the excitement and joy is back and the fears are momentarily faded.

One of the things people often say is that God picks special parents to go through things like this. I kind of hate hearing that, to be honest. I think the opposite is true. I think parents can become special and refined when they go through the fires with their children, with their lives in general.

Letting it mold you in a soft way is the challenge- I think.

We could become calloused and rough and hard through this, and I pray constantly that we become softer, kinder, more loving, more thankful.

Gabe is officially in the 'safer' zone. 37 weeks yesterday means that when he comes, he will be 'ready'. Will we? I don't think we can be 'ready'- but I think we are ready to hold our little one, to touch his sweet cheeks and to just love on him.

I have two things on my list to get before he arrives.

1: An extremely soft blanket to cuddle him since I can't. (way harder to find than I thought)
2: A soft stuffed animal just for him.

There was an error in this gadget

Total Pageviews