I have been slaving away here trying to organize the many baby clothes that we have for Judah. We have some pretty cute stuff, and I'm imagining Gabe will look pretty darn cute in all these things.
Slaving away isn't quite accurate, since the massive belly and fear of early labor keeps me going at 30 minute intervals... 30 minutes on... 2 hours off. Haha, slightly pathetic, but no matter what the fear of having Gabe is, the fear of having him too early is much worse- so I will take it slow and steady over the next 3 weeks.
While cleaning, I spotted my bible in the corner of our closet. I remember putting it there, though I didn't realize I would feel so guilty now when I looked at it. I want to pick it up, to find the comfort in there that I might stumble upon... But I know the one thing that I will be looking for will not be in there.
Why? The why's will not be in there, though I've formulated plenty of reasons why in my head- speculated that evil is the only thing responsible, but wondered if this was to train our hearts to be more open.
Nick and I talk about Gabe every day (though barely coherent, as it is usually 12:30 am when we get a moment to really 'talk'). We talk about our fears, our worries, our wonders, our joys, our blessings, our pains and our hopes. We talk about God and we wonder together what lesson we are learning, and if there is a different way to learn it.
One of the things we've talked about is the dramatic effect that pain has on lives. Pain, when we experience it... Through deaths, through traumatic events, through painful life events... It changes you. There's no way around it, no way to avoid it. The only thing you can do is let it make you better, rather than make you worse.
Pain can shut you down to the world around you. It can cause you to dry up where you are at, to sink into a turtle shell- with only enough room to stick your head out. But pain can lead to an immensely beautiful surrender. To making a life worth living, rather than quitting on life altogether.
Many women and men that have lost their little ones have decided to fight for other people's little ones. To do the many 'walks' in support of research and change to make their child's lives meaningful. Nick and I know that Gabe's life has been immensely meaningful already. We feel like we know him as much- if not more than we knew Judah when he was a month old. We are deeply in love with him, our Gaberham, our little tomato face boy. (He has very round cheeks!). We are so in love with him- that we plan for his future. We have planned for the good, for the bad, not as much for the ugly, but we don't want to plan for that.
This blog is not to mention only that we are prepared for pain, but we are prepared for the joy as well. Pain, is watching your child be ill. If for one second- if for one day- if for their entire lifetime. But to let it make you beautifully and wonderfully aware of the blessings that are small, the time to touch their lives, to let the touch other lives... To every milestone they get to hit... Celebration.
I hope that when Gabe learns to crawl, we aren't more excited than we were for Judah (I know we won't be, though it might seem that way). When Gabe gets to his very first birthday- CELEBRATION! When Gabe graduates kindergarten- CELEBRATION.
When Gabe proves to the world that he is a wonderful, miraculous child of God- CELEBRATION.
Just like we have had celebrations for all of Judah's over comings, though smaller they might seem- being grateful is what we have learned thus far.
We are now at 33 weeks- though I have a feeling we will meet Gabe a couple weeks earlier than his due date- like Judah.
Keep up the prayers, the bible says- "The fervent prayers of the righteous avail much."
I will go ahead and peel my bible out of the closet... Lets see what God brings me to! I think he might be saying.... "It's about time!"