I cried the day we found out about Gabe's heart. I cried the next day too. That was enough for me- because I mourned for the things I had been hoping for- and I let it go. I lifted up my hands and threw back my head and told God it was in his hands- because that's what you have to do.
You can't leave the burden of it on your own shoulders. You can't let it shove you down.
If you don't throw your hands up with the burdens, then you are suddenly in a pit of sinking sand. You are struggling, and you are fighting- but the harder you struggle the faster you sink... And it will become a load that is unbearable. You throw up your hands, lay down before God and crawl out of under the weight of it. It's not as easy as I would like it to be, but it's something you must do- for I know that God can't give you a miracle if you aren't giving him the problem.
Now- I laugh about it sometimes. I laugh at the small irony of my thought processes when we found out we were getting another sweet baby. I laugh at the ironies because it's not a weight on me.
People have a hard time reacting around us when we bring up Gabriel's sweet little heart. I don't bring it up often anymore, because no one knows what to say, how to handle it- and they usually end up awkwardly standing there, looking at me for clues as to how to react.
Some people find it weird that we make jokes about singing Christmas songs to Gabe to help his heart grow- but it puts a little smile in my heart and I hope Gabe can feel that too.
We leave on Friday night (if it goes as planned) for Seattle. Our appointment is all day Tuesday and we come back Wednesday (Nick has class on Thursday).
We don't know what to expect. We don't know if it will be better or worse than what we have in our heads- we don't know if it will change our plans- we don't know if it will change our lives even more than it already is going to- but the truly nice thing is that we don't need to know. We know that Gabe is in the best hands- God's hands. He has a place for him in our arms and in his arms.
At first, I was very concerned about getting Gabriel dedicated when he was born. I wanted to make sure it was done, just in case... But I realized very quickly that we had already given Gabe to God. We already dedicated him to God- and I don't have to worry about that. I don't have to worry about having a ceremony because we pray every chance we get that God will keep Gabriel in his arms and use Gabriel for his works.
HLHS is scary. We aren't ignorant of the complexities that we are about to face- but we are very well aware that it is far beyond our control, or our wisdom.
So God bless every family who is diagnosed in Utero with something complicated and scary- or even minor and scary. Bless them with the ability to lift up their hands and lay it down. Bless us to continue being able to lay it down as this journey continues. Bless families going through all struggles of life right now to be able to take the grace that you have given. Bless them with strength and with hope and with peace that surpasses what we can fathom in times of stress.
<3 Bless you.