1.23.2011

Waiting.

We thought we lost the pregnancy last night, and I was positive it had happened. We got ready to go to the ER, me knowing the worst had happened in my heart. When we got to the ER the bleeding stopped again. I, being the realist (or pessimist) that I am, chose not to get my hopes up after it stopped. I feel pain so deeply that I avoid it at all costs. I turn off my brain as much as I can to the idea and thoughts that lead to the pain.
As I said previously, Nick is the opposite. He chooses to have faith, not expecting the worst, and praying for the best. I'm so lucky to have him as a husband. It was so painful to see the look in his face when the doctor said the baby wasn't growing. But still, he chooses to be optimistic. He says "My God is bigger than this." and I know it's true. No matter what happens, I believe that there is purpose in every trial and every minute.
Two nights ago when we found out it was possibly ending, (the first ER trip) I felt the need to tell the little bubble of a baby that we loved them, and if we didn't get to meet them, we would miss them. It's amazing how God puts a love in us so strongly for the unborn that I know that I truly would miss the chance to meet them.

To help those of you who aren't entirely sure what is going on, I will relay what we know.

Our first ER trip on Wednesday night, we found out we were experiencing a threatened miscarriage. There is a hematoma on the wall of the uterus where the placenta needs to attach to cause the baby to stick and grow. I was having minor bleeding and cramping. We were told it was a 50% chance that we would lose this pregnancy.

Last night, following the first signs of morning sickness, the bleeding got worse. The words we were trying to avoid were bright red bleeding, and that is what was happening.

I had no hope left, and the idea of having an ultrasound made me sick. (Not wanting to see no heartbeat and feel my heart ache). We were in the ER from 1am till 5am.

During the ultrasound, it was apparent that the baby was still there, heart still beating within a normal range. It was exciting, but the doctor said the hematoma had gotten bigger. It doesn't mean that it's definitely over, but it's progressing instead of healing.

On the way home from the hospital, I felt awful. There the baby was, healthy and living, but it was falling away.

Here is this little one, trying to live, and I can do nothing to help. Only prayer and faith.

Now, as I said in the beginning, the doctor had said it wasn't growing. This was incorrect, the baby is growing, but it's only been 3 days since my last ultrasound. We will find out on Monday how things are going, and while I wait, I will put my faith into my God. He created our bodies to do this, so he knows when it's not going to be healthy or it is.

Today, all I can do is put it in my Father's hands.

Judah is doing well, eating amazingly, and standing himself up on everything he can grab hold of. He is turning into a toddler so quickly, it's mind blowing.

Thank you for your love, your prayers, your support. For Judah, for Nick and I, for this little one.
We are so blessed by love we don't deserve.

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