In the past month or so I've written several blog entries, saved them and never looked back. Why am I so hesitant? I think it's because of the ridiculous and embarrassing fact that I simply care too much about everyone's feelings and what they will feel or think when they read what I have written. Will they feel like I am selfish? Will they think I'm too absorbed in my own life, my own trials? Then I wonder to myself- I wonder why I care so much.
Maybe it's because I judge other people too much. I read what they write and I think "Wow they seem to think that they are the only one who has it tough." Or "They never mention that they have flaws."
What a jerk I am! I can't believe I've gotten to the point where I let this effect me. Who am I to think these things? Do I know what their intentions are, what their heart has gone through? Absolutely not.
So perhaps my new years resolution will be to simply be less judgmental, even passively. To be loving, kind, sharing.
I feel rather self absorbed lately. Since Judah's birth I've been so beat down exhausted and busy going through a roller coaster, I haven't had a spare moment to lift someone up- besides myself and Nick. I realize this is no excuse for neglecting the other people I am in contact with... But I find myself thinking of writing something and becoming purely exhausted at the sheer IDEA of it. Ridiculous.
With our little resources, I have tons of excuses. I don't have enough money, enough time, enough things to be social with others. I have to be comfortable first, so they will know that I'm a good person.
How have I become the person I didn't want to be? The person who is too worried about what people think to invest in others? I've invested in one or two people this year, maybe three. (Besides my family). I've put all my efforts and love into one or two relationships, and they are all that really remain. My friendships have faded and my heart aches for them.
Right now, my friendships are taking a backseat too.
God is who I'm focusing on right now, starting yesterday. I found my heart aching the ache I've been ignoring for quite a while. The ache to sing, write, pray, and even simply to talk to God.
I started yesterday, and it felt so amazing. I hadn't felt comfortable talking to Him for a few weeks (ridiculous I know), but suddenly it felt right again. I felt like I was in an unselfish moment. I didn't need to ask for much, because I wasn't in the depths of despair. My little son was not on the verge of dying or in the hospital, my husband has a great job, my life is getting in order....
"God, thank you." I said. This is the best and most cleansing way to start this conversation.
"Thank you for giving me my husband, Lord. Thank you for our son, for his health, his life, his future. Thank you for your many blessings, all that we haven't deserved. Thank you for our future children, and their health God."
This is where I stop for a moment.
I still haven't gotten over this spot of prayer. I know God answers many of my prayers and in magnificent ways, but I remembered also praying, nightly, over my belly and the tiny baby inside. I prayed for his health, for his safety, for his life, for his relationship with God. Mostly for his health.
It stops me because my prayers weren't answered in the way that I had wanted.
And a great fear covers my heart in that moment, a fear only brought by Satan himself. "Will our next child be sick? Will he/she have complications, have to be in the NICU? Be worse than Judah? Can I handle this again? Why didn't God give me the healthy baby I'd prayed for?" And tears start falling as the fears engorge my heart.
There are two things that happen to Christans in this moment. First, are doubts in the power of God, in his might. Second, is the realization that somehow, God had a purpose in what he allowed. Whether the purpose was to strengthen us for years to come, whether it was to prepare us for something harder, or to make us deeply thankful for what we already had, God had a purpose.
This is what I realized, and finally, I could continue my conversation.
"Thank you, God, for the trials. Thank you that you held us together, when I thought I couldn't take it anymore."
And with that, my relationship with God builds a new foundation. The understanding that I don't know the answers, and I don't need to, because God has a purpose, and even if it's to spare future pain, or to prepare us for the real ordeals, or just to help us realize that God is God in the darkest of places, it's in His control.
Maybe it's like the many foundations of marriage. You begin at a point where your so blindly in love that none of the big stuff matters- and then you start to realize that there needs to be more solidity. I think God and I gained another solid foundation. Maybe the old one was tarnished or fading. Maybe it was slightly rough around the edges, and God decided to help me pave it over. Either way, it's nice to know that with God, there's always the opportunity for a renewal, even if it's nothing major, like a new coat on a gym floor, God can take the old and bring it back to it's original resolve.
I guess this is the blog I needed to post. To say, hey, I'm flawed. I'm vulnerable. I can be judgmental, and I know I'm not perfect. But thank God I have a father in heaven who loves me despite who I act like.