1.24.2011

Miracles

I think over the past year we have experienced a load of tough trials, and a load of even larger miracles.
Today is no different.
With people praying for us from every direction we could possibly imagine, thinking of us, and feeling the pain we were feeling as we went through the past few days; you have to realize- God hears you.
I know God hears you because God does miracles when you pray. I've felt it, seen it happen, and stood in utter amazement (sometimes even in disbelief).
I'm talking to you, the person and people who prayed for me the last few nights. For Judah the last year. For our family. You know who you are.

There's nothing to describe what happened here other than the word miracle.

Just as my hope fell to a limb, I felt a sudden renewal. It didn't come from my prayers, because I was only praying for my husband at the time. It came from someone else's prayers. Suddenly, I woke up and felt hope.

The doctor pretty much told us it was over when we went to the ER. He had little hope, alike myself. He said not to get my hopes up, not to expect anything to change, because it was getting worse, not better.

The bleeding in the uterus had grown, not shrunk. That was Sunday morning.

Today is Monday, and there was no evidence of a bleed. Did you hear that? None, no evidence.

The doctor had told me it was where the placenta needed to attach, and it wasn't healing, it was progressing.

The ultrasound tech today found nothing, no indication of a bleed ever forming. The baby's heart rate had increased and it was growing.

I've had no bleeding since I went to the ER that night.

I don't know if you realize what a miracle this truly is. There are moments in our lifetimes that we will recognize miracles. Some of us miss them, because we think it was luck, or it was just what happened, but this was certainly, without a doubt a miracle.

Our little miracle will be due September 11th 2011.

For those of you who prayed, I pray God will bless you as your prayers renewed our hope, blessed us, and changed our lives. Truly, truly changed our lives.

I've poured my heart out, left everything visible, every pain and every fear. All my weaknesses, and all my strengths. I've let everyone be able to see my head on here, and I hope it's blessed you to watch this happen.

God is good. He's more than good. He is amazing, breathtaking, life changing, fantastically beautiful.

For those of you who doubt that there is a God, those who doubt there is a creator who does good on the earth, this is a small thing that He did for us.

A small, incredible thing.

Not including the things he did for our little Judah bear.

I think the great part about going through a moment where God lets you fall to your knees is that you get to see what kind of person you really are. You get to see your weaknesses, your strengths, and know that despite everything, you know that your Father is in control.

Though I'm a pessimistic realist of sorts, I knew that God was in control. I still do. God will strengthen me and my family through anything we go through. He will use it to make us better, more loving and kinder people. As long as we let Him, He will build in us a foundation that is stronger than any disease, any illness, any loss, any pain that we could go through.

When I die, I want to be able to say that I trusted God. Just like Daniel in the lions den. I want to be unafraid of the evil that the wicked can do, that Satan can do. Because in the end.

I believe in the Sun. Even when it's not shining.

Appointment

Our appointment is at 2pm today, so we will have more of an update then (I hope). So far, no more bleeding and minimal cramping. This is good news. We know who is in control, and who will continue to be in control.
Will update more later, thank you for your continued prayers and support.

1.23.2011

Waiting.

We thought we lost the pregnancy last night, and I was positive it had happened. We got ready to go to the ER, me knowing the worst had happened in my heart. When we got to the ER the bleeding stopped again. I, being the realist (or pessimist) that I am, chose not to get my hopes up after it stopped. I feel pain so deeply that I avoid it at all costs. I turn off my brain as much as I can to the idea and thoughts that lead to the pain.
As I said previously, Nick is the opposite. He chooses to have faith, not expecting the worst, and praying for the best. I'm so lucky to have him as a husband. It was so painful to see the look in his face when the doctor said the baby wasn't growing. But still, he chooses to be optimistic. He says "My God is bigger than this." and I know it's true. No matter what happens, I believe that there is purpose in every trial and every minute.
Two nights ago when we found out it was possibly ending, (the first ER trip) I felt the need to tell the little bubble of a baby that we loved them, and if we didn't get to meet them, we would miss them. It's amazing how God puts a love in us so strongly for the unborn that I know that I truly would miss the chance to meet them.

To help those of you who aren't entirely sure what is going on, I will relay what we know.

Our first ER trip on Wednesday night, we found out we were experiencing a threatened miscarriage. There is a hematoma on the wall of the uterus where the placenta needs to attach to cause the baby to stick and grow. I was having minor bleeding and cramping. We were told it was a 50% chance that we would lose this pregnancy.

Last night, following the first signs of morning sickness, the bleeding got worse. The words we were trying to avoid were bright red bleeding, and that is what was happening.

I had no hope left, and the idea of having an ultrasound made me sick. (Not wanting to see no heartbeat and feel my heart ache). We were in the ER from 1am till 5am.

During the ultrasound, it was apparent that the baby was still there, heart still beating within a normal range. It was exciting, but the doctor said the hematoma had gotten bigger. It doesn't mean that it's definitely over, but it's progressing instead of healing.

On the way home from the hospital, I felt awful. There the baby was, healthy and living, but it was falling away.

Here is this little one, trying to live, and I can do nothing to help. Only prayer and faith.

Now, as I said in the beginning, the doctor had said it wasn't growing. This was incorrect, the baby is growing, but it's only been 3 days since my last ultrasound. We will find out on Monday how things are going, and while I wait, I will put my faith into my God. He created our bodies to do this, so he knows when it's not going to be healthy or it is.

Today, all I can do is put it in my Father's hands.

Judah is doing well, eating amazingly, and standing himself up on everything he can grab hold of. He is turning into a toddler so quickly, it's mind blowing.

Thank you for your love, your prayers, your support. For Judah, for Nick and I, for this little one.
We are so blessed by love we don't deserve.

1.22.2011

...

Doesn't look like bubble baby was ready to be here.
Hard night.
But I believe in the sun- even when its not shining.

Might as well...

Well, Nick is dying from not being able to tell everyone everything that has been going on. So I guess I'll let the cat out of the bag and just be honest. He feels like it's lying to not tell everyone everything (I don't feel the same way) that is going on.
So- as of The first week of January, Nick and I found out we were pregnant again.
We were not at all expecting this, not planning for it (we actually had quite a different plan in mind). But I guess it was going to happen no matter what we wanted.

Well, everything was going okay, but two days ago we ended up in the hospital.
I had been dreading this pregnancy, and I feel terrible for saying that, but I did. I am still tired from the first time around, and Judah hasn't fully gotten over his eating difficulties, which causes a lot of stress on the mama too.

When we thought we were losing the pregnancy, my heart changed. I realized that I loved the little bubble/peanut even though I don't/didn't think I was ready for it. I think it was when they put the little heartbeat on the screen- I realized that I already loved this little one, just like I'd been in love with Judah from the time I saw his little peanut picture.

The nurse printed out a picture of the bubble baby and Nick and I stared at it in amazement. There's nothing that makes it real like a picture, like seeing the heartbeat.

Well, after seeing the baby was healthy, we waited to hear from the doctor about what other things were happening. (Some minor bleeding and cramping).
He came in and told us that it was a threatened miscarriage. There is blood on the wall of the uterus where the placenta needs to attach, so the pregnancy could go either way.

I am a pessimist, and Nick is an optimist, so I decided to prepare my mind for the worst, and Nick decided that nothing was going wrong and everything will fix itself. Having him for a husband, it's a great thing. He balances me, and I think I balance him in many ways as well.

The other thing that was extremely odd with this pregnancy is that the baby is supposed to be 10 weeks along, but it's only 6 weeks. So hopefully on Monday we will find out what is going on with that interesting tid bit.

Knowing that the risk of miscarriage is anywhere from 5%-50% (based on information from multiple doctors), we have to trust in God. Trust that he knows what he is doing.

Last night, talking with God, he gave me a new perspective on things.

I have a family member going through a rough time right now, questioning why God would let them go through such hardships, and driving home last night God brought it to my attention that He truly does Chasten those he loves.

I'm talking biblically, as we all know. Those who were closest to God, to Christ, they went through the tough stuff. Even Christ himself!

Last night I was drawn to the idea of Daniel and the Lions den. We all know this story, right?

The King made it law (because of the corrupt men who advised him to) that no one was to pray to God, but to the King alone.

Daniel, being a man of great faith in the Lord, listened to God's law. He prayed to God, and the King was forced to throw him into the lions den, to certain death.

Daniel could have hated God for allowing this to happen to him, but he was faithful in the certainty that God would see him through, even in the most bleak moments.

Knowing how lions work, they sense fear. They feed on it, prey on it, and fear causes them to act, to react, to feed. It's a major part of their hunting.

Daniel had to be so certain of God's great love for him, that he didn't fear. He was so sure that he was in God's hands, that the lions didn't feel the need to feed on him. Lions that had devoured hundreds of men with no hesitation. What trust must Daniel have had to not fear these lions? These hungry lions in the cold, dark cave. He could only hear them, hear their panting and their deep throated growls. I can even imagine Daniel being able to pet them, (though I doubt it happened).

Moments later; after the King had Daniel removed and revoked the law, seeing God's greatness; the king had the wisemen who had told him to make this law cast into the lions den. They were immediately devoured.

Having fear doesn't leave room for faith. Doesn't leave room for God to work in your heart.
So in this interesting trial we are going through, I choose to trust God. That no matter what, he will see us through.

"If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, nothing will be impossible for you."

1.20.2011

What I didn't do.

Today, I didn't hurt someones feelings (hopefully)
Today, I didn't lie.
Today, I didn't drink.
Today, I didn't smoke.
Today, I didn't steal.
Today I didn't want what someone else had.
Today, I didn't commit murder.
Today, I didn't remember a jacket.
Today, I didn't remember to get up early.
Today, I didn't forget my name. (some days, that's pretty good).
Today, I didn't yell.
Today, I didn't cry.
Today, I didn't forget to be strong.
Today, I didn't lose my mind.
Today, I sang.
Today, I wrote.
Today, I loved.
Today, I prayed.
Today, I hoped.
Today, I cared.
Today, I wanted to love others.
Today, I wanted to be good.
Today, I wanted to do the right thing.
Today, I wanted to be kind.
Today, I wanted to be a great person.
Today, I tried my best.

And on any day. That's a pretty good day.

1.07.2011

Hesitation.


In the past month or so I've written several blog entries, saved them and never looked back. Why am I so hesitant? I think it's because of the ridiculous and embarrassing fact that I simply care too much about everyone's feelings and what they will feel or think when they read what I have written. Will they feel like I am selfish? Will they think I'm too absorbed in my own life, my own trials? Then I wonder to myself- I wonder why I care so much.

Maybe it's because I judge other people too much. I read what they write and I think "Wow they seem to think that they are the only one who has it tough." Or "They never mention that they have flaws."

What a jerk I am! I can't believe I've gotten to the point where I let this effect me. Who am I to think these things? Do I know what their intentions are, what their heart has gone through? Absolutely not.

So perhaps my new years resolution will be to simply be less judgmental, even passively. To be loving, kind, sharing.

I feel rather self absorbed lately. Since Judah's birth I've been so beat down exhausted and busy going through a roller coaster, I haven't had a spare moment to lift someone up- besides myself and Nick. I realize this is no excuse for neglecting the other people I am in contact with... But I find myself thinking of writing something and becoming purely exhausted at the sheer IDEA of it. Ridiculous.

With our little resources, I have tons of excuses. I don't have enough money, enough time, enough things to be social with others. I have to be comfortable first, so they will know that I'm a good person.

How have I become the person I didn't want to be? The person who is too worried about what people think to invest in others? I've invested in one or two people this year, maybe three. (Besides my family). I've put all my efforts and love into one or two relationships, and they are all that really remain. My friendships have faded and my heart aches for them.

Right now, my friendships are taking a backseat too.

God is who I'm focusing on right now, starting yesterday. I found my heart aching the ache I've been ignoring for quite a while. The ache to sing, write, pray, and even simply to talk to God.

I started yesterday, and it felt so amazing. I hadn't felt comfortable talking to Him for a few weeks (ridiculous I know), but suddenly it felt right again. I felt like I was in an unselfish moment. I didn't need to ask for much, because I wasn't in the depths of despair. My little son was not on the verge of dying or in the hospital, my husband has a great job, my life is getting in order....

"God, thank you." I said. This is the best and most cleansing way to start this conversation.
"Thank you for giving me my husband, Lord. Thank you for our son, for his health, his life, his future. Thank you for your many blessings, all that we haven't deserved. Thank you for our future children, and their health God."

This is where I stop for a moment.

I still haven't gotten over this spot of prayer. I know God answers many of my prayers and in magnificent ways, but I remembered also praying, nightly, over my belly and the tiny baby inside. I prayed for his health, for his safety, for his life, for his relationship with God. Mostly for his health.

It stops me because my prayers weren't answered in the way that I had wanted.

And a great fear covers my heart in that moment, a fear only brought by Satan himself. "Will our next child be sick? Will he/she have complications, have to be in the NICU? Be worse than Judah? Can I handle this again? Why didn't God give me the healthy baby I'd prayed for?" And tears start falling as the fears engorge my heart.

There are two things that happen to Christans in this moment. First, are doubts in the power of God, in his might. Second, is the realization that somehow, God had a purpose in what he allowed. Whether the purpose was to strengthen us for years to come, whether it was to prepare us for something harder, or to make us deeply thankful for what we already had, God had a purpose.

This is what I realized, and finally, I could continue my conversation.

"Thank you, God, for the trials. Thank you that you held us together, when I thought I couldn't take it anymore."

And with that, my relationship with God builds a new foundation. The understanding that I don't know the answers, and I don't need to, because God has a purpose, and even if it's to spare future pain, or to prepare us for the real ordeals, or just to help us realize that God is God in the darkest of places, it's in His control.

Maybe it's like the many foundations of marriage. You begin at a point where your so blindly in love that none of the big stuff matters- and then you start to realize that there needs to be more solidity. I think God and I gained another solid foundation. Maybe the old one was tarnished or fading. Maybe it was slightly rough around the edges, and God decided to help me pave it over. Either way, it's nice to know that with God, there's always the opportunity for a renewal, even if it's nothing major, like a new coat on a gym floor, God can take the old and bring it back to it's original resolve.

I guess this is the blog I needed to post. To say, hey, I'm flawed. I'm vulnerable. I can be judgmental, and I know I'm not perfect. But thank God I have a father in heaven who loves me despite who I act like.
:)

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