I remember in the beginning my heart thudding in my chest. I have no idea what it was that made my heart beat so desperately. It's like there was a gravity induced pull on me, bringing me towards him. I couldn't escape it, even if I had wanted to. He touched my heart, the core of me- in a way I can't explain. I didn't want to be the same person anymore. I wanted to be good for him, completely and wholly and wonderfully his.
I don't know if it's the same for him, if it was. I don't know if he held his breath whenever he saw me. When he got a message from me. When he got a text... But I remember feeling like if it wasn't him it would never be anyone. I would've wanted to give up searching if it wasn't him.
Thank God it was.
Now here we are with a little boy, trying our best to raise him and help him grow without melting down or freaking out. Babies are the most wonderful and exhausting thing in the whole world. Thank goodness he's in a place with love. I could stare at his little face all day (I usually do). Every little wrinkle of his eyebrows, every little stretch and all the little changes that happen daily.
Love is pretty much the greatest feeling in the world. The first time you fall in love completely and wholly.
The first time you hold your child. That is indescribable. I don't think you could understand that love without experiencing it. Not in it's full capacity. It is a love you never knew existed. Selfless and pure love.
It seems like every day I look at Judah I have to beg him to stop growing- his face is changing, he's getting chubbier, he's outgrowing his very cute clothes... It's a little bit heartbreaking, to be honest. But at the same time I am VERY much looking forward to smiling and cooing and learning to talk/walk/crawl/bounce... I can't wait to see him grow up.
I guess that's also my biggest fear. You don't realize how much you REALLY want to be a fantastic person until you realize that you REALLY want your child to be a fantastic person. How do you do it? I don't honestly know. I've seen wonderful parents raise hellish children and terrible parents raise absolutely fabulous children...
That's the scary part- you can pour everything good that you have into your children... But they still can break your heart and come out to be a bit disappointing. I've seen the heartache it gives mom's to have their children grow up to be... Jerks. There's other words but I will use jerks.
"Judah Alexander- are you going to be a good man?" He looks at me very seriously when I ask this. But he's pretty serious all the time, so I suppose it could be a coincidence. :). I guess I just pour my love into him and hope for the best.
As parents you can only do your own best. You can only pour into them with the knowledge and tools you have been given and gained. I don't think it makes a difference if you've had thirty children before or if you've never held a baby- when you get your child it is an individual. From the very beginning they are learning and absorbing loads of information that they will use to teach you as they grow.
God, please make me a good Mom. Only you can help me with this one.
Well, got to go take care of cutesie boy Judah. <3 more later.